Unfigureoutable

My name is Jense.
Life is so unfigureoutable.
Most would say unpredictable. But lets face it. I'm not like most.
Besides, unfigureoutable is more fun to say.
That has become my new philosophy in life. Everything is unfigureoutable: boys, girls, purpose, love, the future. It's unfigureoutable in the fact that when life seems to be going one way, it WILL (cuz it always does) pull a fast one on you. A curve ball. Sometimes, that can be a negative thing, but it can also be a positive thing.
Things happen. Whether we want them or not. People come into our lives, people leaves our lives. Opportunity come, opportunity go. We win some, we lose some. We fail, we succeed. It's a non-ending cycle of unfigureoutableness.
Life is an unfiguroutable riddle. A riddle that gives the hints and the clues, but never the full answer. It's a quest without a map.
And that's what makes it such a great adventure.
 

This Changes Things

My name is Jense.
This changes things.
Why can't I just stick with one plan?
But I realized something today. The real truth.
The truth is I'm trying to escape. Run away. Avoid.
I thought the mission thing was what I was suppose to do. And maybe it still is. But sitting on the couch watching Clue, and seeing my two friends cuddle with each other made me realize.
Would I be doing it because that's what I'm suppose to do? Or would I be doing to get away? Forget the memories that surround me every single day, as I watch more and more people fall deeply in love? Avoid the constant couples that multiply like rabbits in the area that I live in?
Would I be doing it just for me? To get away from the constant pain that the realization that I'm alone brings to me?
Would that be a bad thing?
Because the truth is, no matter how happy I am for others, no matter how much I smile and laugh, no matter how much I act like I'm ok... Well, the truth is I'm not.
These thoughts raced through my head. I needed answers.
I texted him. Told him what I was feeling. What I thought. Asked what he thought.
I still don't really know what to do. And maybe I don't need to worry about the mission thing right now this minute.
But I worry that I will be alone. So alone. Forever. Always be on the outside looking in.
I went outside for a little while. Let my friends be.
And cried a few tears.
"I shall not envy lovers, but long for what they share."

A Little Life Changing Conversation

My name is Jense.
This is a conversation.
"I think that's my other problem."
"Which is...?"
"I've kinda trained myself not to fall for guys."
"HAHA! That would be a problem! ... Just be yourself. Someone will pick up on your amazingness very soon."
"That's the other problem... I don't think there's any amazingness in me."
"Jensen. That IS a problem. If you don't think much of yourself, others tend to see that. People like confidence. Although, I've never seen you not be friendly and confident."
"That's because I've been working on it. And I'm a good actress. :) And also, I decided that if I cant find the amazingness in me, I will find it in other people, and that helps I think."
"Don't just act. Make it a reality!"
...
Make it a reality?
Can I do that?

Soundboard

My name is Jense.
I am a soundboard.
I don't mind it really. I like the fact that people feel that they can come to me with their problems.
That's been my role for as long as I can remember.
Only one problem.
Now I don't know who can be my soundboard.
Or how I'd open up, if I found one.

Sweet, Innocent, Naive

My name is Jense.
I think I got it figured out.
I don't know who I am.
Weird huh? You'd think that I would. And I guess at some degree, I do. I'm Jensen Parrish. My father is Bill Parrish and my mother is Ross Parrish. I have 3 younger brothers named Ian, Keegan, and Liam. I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am a child of God.
But, at the same time, I don't.
I've been trying to figure it out for a long time.
But, here's the thing. Everyone think that they know me, and they gave me a label.
"Sweet, innocent, naive Jensen."
I hated it. Because I'm not sweet, innocent, or naive.
My 2 best friends had sex together at the age of 16 and 15. 10th grade year, I went through a rebellious stage. I swear when I'm angry. I cry when I'm hurt.
I've seen my share of non-sweet, non-innocent things.
But, for reasons unknown to me, people look at me and say, "Sweet, innocent, naive Jensen."
I hated it so much.
So, I fought it.
Swear. Yell. Laugh at dirty jokes. Gossip. Immodesty.
Yet, naturally, I cringe at it all.
Naturally, I don't want to do it.
But, I fought the natural.
Until now. I just don't want to fight it anymore.
I was so determined to prove everyone wrong, that now I can't prove myself right. Caught in between two people.
Who am I?

The Wall

My name is Jense.
I'm surrounded by a wall.
I built this wall actually. No one trapped me in it. I built it all on my own.
It was a long process, let me tell you. It took me a few years. When I was younger, I was so carefree and naive. I just ran around and played and laughed.
Then my first heartbreak happened. That was awful.
So, I built a little pedestal for myself. "I'm not coming down until the right one comes."
I stood on that pedestal for a long time. As much as I loved being above everyone, I began to get a little lonely. No body really noticed me standing there. But, I refused to come down. Not till the right one came.
Then he came. And I dont know how he did it, but he coaxed me into coming down from my safe pedestal. He took my hand and led me down. I felt free again. "This is what I've been missing."
But, even he led me astray.
Left me alone.
Left me confused.
"But... You were suppose to be the one."
With tears rolling, I climbed back on my pedestal. I sat there. Let the tears flow. I looked around.
Even the pedestal couldn't protect me. It wasn't enough.
And so, I started to build. I built day and night. With bricks. I surrounded myself with these bricks.
Now here I stand here surrounded by my wall.
And I'm not coming back out.
I'm waiting for the one who will climb the wall, and lead me back.
And until then, I will stay here, thanks.