This Changes Things

My name is Jense.
This changes things.
Why can't I just stick with one plan?
But I realized something today. The real truth.
The truth is I'm trying to escape. Run away. Avoid.
I thought the mission thing was what I was suppose to do. And maybe it still is. But sitting on the couch watching Clue, and seeing my two friends cuddle with each other made me realize.
Would I be doing it because that's what I'm suppose to do? Or would I be doing to get away? Forget the memories that surround me every single day, as I watch more and more people fall deeply in love? Avoid the constant couples that multiply like rabbits in the area that I live in?
Would I be doing it just for me? To get away from the constant pain that the realization that I'm alone brings to me?
Would that be a bad thing?
Because the truth is, no matter how happy I am for others, no matter how much I smile and laugh, no matter how much I act like I'm ok... Well, the truth is I'm not.
These thoughts raced through my head. I needed answers.
I texted him. Told him what I was feeling. What I thought. Asked what he thought.
I still don't really know what to do. And maybe I don't need to worry about the mission thing right now this minute.
But I worry that I will be alone. So alone. Forever. Always be on the outside looking in.
I went outside for a little while. Let my friends be.
And cried a few tears.
"I shall not envy lovers, but long for what they share."