My name is Jense.
Today as I was walking, I realized that there was a rock in my shoe. It was driving me crazy as I was walking to class. It was kinda hurting. But, being in a hurry, I didn't stop to take it out and continue my walk up the hill.
I started thinking.
Life is like having a rock in your shoe.
How?
Well, think about it. There are sometimes things that nudge at us and bother us and hurt us. Just like a rock in your shoe.
We call them grudges.
Grudges literally tears us down. I would know. I'm one of the worse grudge holders ever. But sometimes, instead of letting go of the grudge and taking it out of our lives, we just leave it there, cuz we don't want to take the time to stop and take it out. It's easier to be angry. Sometimes, it's more fun. Sometimes, we like having that excuse of being angry. Sometimes, we like to feel sorry for ourselves. It's human nature.
When I got home, I shook the rock out. I put my shoe back on. It felt so nice.
And isn't that how it is with grudges? When we take it out and put charity in its place? You just feel so much nicer. Better. It just feels good.
Shake that rock out of your shoe.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Slow Down
My name is Jense.
Last night, I talked to one of my dearest friends.
I haven't talked to him in a long time. A good four months actually. We used to be close. I knew him like the back of my hand.
We aren't that way really anymore. We are both different people. Life have moved on.
Life moves on. Whether you want it to or not. Whether you're ready for it or not. Things happen, good and bad. People come. People go. People cry. People laugh. Time passes by.
Sometimes, I am so busy with life. With school. With grades. With getting everything done on time. With sadness. Sometimes, I forget to look at the simple things of life. The sun. The day. Friends. Family.
Sometimes, its nice to have a slow down.
To just let things go and just live.
It's kind of hard to just live nowadays. We must always prepare for the future. For our future careers. Our future families. Our future goals.
Not saying those are bad, cuz they are most certainly not.
But sometimes, I feel like I forget to just live.
To slow down.
We aren't best friends anymore really, but being able to talk to him about life was nicer than anything. To just let everything go. Let everything be. To be, even if it was just temporarily, best friends again. Inseparable.
It was nice to slow down.
Last night, I talked to one of my dearest friends.
I haven't talked to him in a long time. A good four months actually. We used to be close. I knew him like the back of my hand.
We aren't that way really anymore. We are both different people. Life have moved on.
Life moves on. Whether you want it to or not. Whether you're ready for it or not. Things happen, good and bad. People come. People go. People cry. People laugh. Time passes by.
Sometimes, I am so busy with life. With school. With grades. With getting everything done on time. With sadness. Sometimes, I forget to look at the simple things of life. The sun. The day. Friends. Family.
Sometimes, its nice to have a slow down.
To just let things go and just live.
It's kind of hard to just live nowadays. We must always prepare for the future. For our future careers. Our future families. Our future goals.
Not saying those are bad, cuz they are most certainly not.
But sometimes, I feel like I forget to just live.
To slow down.
We aren't best friends anymore really, but being able to talk to him about life was nicer than anything. To just let everything go. Let everything be. To be, even if it was just temporarily, best friends again. Inseparable.
It was nice to slow down.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Fly on the Wall
My name is Jense.
Right now, I feel like a fly on the wall. If that's the correct phase.
Oh well, I'm using it regardless.
I mean, I'm just chilling out on the wall, watching the world around me. And every so often, the world acknowledges me, but they are too busy with their lives to swat me. Too busy to care. Then, when I, the fly, try to buzz around, to let them know I exist, then they just get annoyed. But they won't kill me.
The world is too busy to regard those around them. Those who are suffering. Those who are drowning, yearning to be seen and heard.
For some, it's love.
For some, it's fame.
For some, it's fortune.
For me, it's acknowledgement.
To be of some use to this world. To outshine everyone in at least one thing. One thing that really makes me special. That makes me stand out in the crowd.
It's hard, though, when the only talent you've got have been snatched by another. One who is better.
I wouldn't mind being a fly right now. At least a fly can fly away.
Right now, I feel like a fly on the wall. If that's the correct phase.
Oh well, I'm using it regardless.
I mean, I'm just chilling out on the wall, watching the world around me. And every so often, the world acknowledges me, but they are too busy with their lives to swat me. Too busy to care. Then, when I, the fly, try to buzz around, to let them know I exist, then they just get annoyed. But they won't kill me.
The world is too busy to regard those around them. Those who are suffering. Those who are drowning, yearning to be seen and heard.
For some, it's love.
For some, it's fame.
For some, it's fortune.
For me, it's acknowledgement.
To be of some use to this world. To outshine everyone in at least one thing. One thing that really makes me special. That makes me stand out in the crowd.
It's hard, though, when the only talent you've got have been snatched by another. One who is better.
I wouldn't mind being a fly right now. At least a fly can fly away.
Days like These
My name is Jense.
I used to be so happy on days like these.
Days when I would hear from you.
On days like these I think about you a lot. Wondering how you are. What you are learning. Where've you been.
Days like these make me think of old times. Star gazing. Holding hands. Laughing about ridiculous things. Playing basketball. Outrunning the cops. Massages. Playing with my hair. Hugs. Kisses.
Days like these made me hope.
Now, they only make me cry.
I used to be so happy on days like these.
Days when I would hear from you.
On days like these I think about you a lot. Wondering how you are. What you are learning. Where've you been.
Days like these make me think of old times. Star gazing. Holding hands. Laughing about ridiculous things. Playing basketball. Outrunning the cops. Massages. Playing with my hair. Hugs. Kisses.
Days like these made me hope.
Now, they only make me cry.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Blob
My name is Jense.
I don't get it.
Sometimes, I think I'm jst a blob. Almost like an intelligence. But different.
I look in the mirror and I see a blob.
I'm pretty sure that in the premortal world, I was one of the last to be created. God was probably tired of creating. But he had one more to make.
Me.
And so, He just threw a bunch of pieces together. Some arms, legs, nose, eyes, mouth...
And Voila!
There I was.
"Done."
That would explain alot.
Everyone else had a lot of time to be put together. All the pieces intricately placed. Everyone was beautiful.
Everyone but me.
Because I am just a blob.
I don't get it.
Sometimes, I think I'm jst a blob. Almost like an intelligence. But different.
I look in the mirror and I see a blob.
I'm pretty sure that in the premortal world, I was one of the last to be created. God was probably tired of creating. But he had one more to make.
Me.
And so, He just threw a bunch of pieces together. Some arms, legs, nose, eyes, mouth...
And Voila!
There I was.
"Done."
That would explain alot.
Everyone else had a lot of time to be put together. All the pieces intricately placed. Everyone was beautiful.
Everyone but me.
Because I am just a blob.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Just like Her
My name is Jense.
If I had blue eyes, just like her,
If I had a face, just like her,
If I had lighter hair, just like her,
If I were skinnier, just like her,
If I were arrogant, just like her,
If I were outgoing, just like her,
If I weren't afraid, just like her,
If I had a smile, just like her,
If I laughed, just like her,
If I were beautiful, just like her,
Maybe, just maybe,
You would love me.
Like you love her.
If I had blue eyes, just like her,
If I had a face, just like her,
If I had lighter hair, just like her,
If I were skinnier, just like her,
If I were arrogant, just like her,
If I were outgoing, just like her,
If I weren't afraid, just like her,
If I had a smile, just like her,
If I laughed, just like her,
If I were beautiful, just like her,
Maybe, just maybe,
You would love me.
Like you love her.
Intriguing
My name is Jense.
These are some questions I'm often asked.
"Are you African?"
"Where are you from?"
"You're Polynesian, right?"
"Hola! Oh, you not speak spanish? Oh, I speak English for you!"
"Are you part Mexican?"
"You Puerto Rican?"
"Jamaican?"
"Oh, you're not African American?"
"What's your ethnicity?"
I like that people can't figure out what I am.
It makes me feel intriguing.
These are some questions I'm often asked.
"Are you African?"
"Where are you from?"
"You're Polynesian, right?"
"Hola! Oh, you not speak spanish? Oh, I speak English for you!"
"Are you part Mexican?"
"You Puerto Rican?"
"Jamaican?"
"Oh, you're not African American?"
"What's your ethnicity?"
I like that people can't figure out what I am.
It makes me feel intriguing.
Eponine
My name is Jense.
I have this favorite hat of mine. I also have a favorite coat.
They remind me of the character Eponine.
Sometimes, I like to wear them together and pretend that I'm her.
I am walking along the streets of Paris during the French Revolutionary War. I am cold. I am poor. I have nothing. I am in love with Marius. But, he loves another.
I sing of love and of heartache. Of being alone.
I am in a completely different world.
It's nice sometimes. To be in a different world. To be someone else. To forget about life for a while. To forget about my struggles and heartaches.
I feel free.
Then, I realize, that I'm no different from her.
And then I become Jensen again.
I have this favorite hat of mine. I also have a favorite coat.
They remind me of the character Eponine.
Sometimes, I like to wear them together and pretend that I'm her.
I am walking along the streets of Paris during the French Revolutionary War. I am cold. I am poor. I have nothing. I am in love with Marius. But, he loves another.
I sing of love and of heartache. Of being alone.
I am in a completely different world.
It's nice sometimes. To be in a different world. To be someone else. To forget about life for a while. To forget about my struggles and heartaches.
I feel free.
Then, I realize, that I'm no different from her.
And then I become Jensen again.
Monday, February 21, 2011
A Tiring Job
My name is Jense.
Tonight, I feel empty.
There is a difference between numb and empty. When you're numb, you don't really feel. You don't really care. When you're empty, you feel... deserted. Left behind. Alone. You know, empty.
I still haven't cried yet. I don't know why. I've been expecting it the last couple days. I mean, this has happened before, and I cried like there was no tomorrow. So why am I not now?
I wish I knew the answer. Maybe I was expecting this from the beginning. Maybe I knew that it was too good to be true. Maybe I knew that he wasn't the one.
But I didn't accept it.
I really need to learn how to do that.
You know how sometimes, when you really really REALLY want something, and you just pray and pray that you can have it? And you promise that if you have that one thing you really really want, you will be good for the rest of your life? That you will never doubt? That you will do everything right from now on? And you just pray and pray that just this once, things can work out the way you want it?
But all the while, when you're praying really really hard, you always get the tiniest hint that it's not gonna happen. And you know it's not going to work. But, you still pray and bargain. And you still make the stupid mistakes that you know you shouldn't make. And you just crawl back, begging for all the hurt to go away.
Being God must be a tiring job.
Tonight, I feel empty.
There is a difference between numb and empty. When you're numb, you don't really feel. You don't really care. When you're empty, you feel... deserted. Left behind. Alone. You know, empty.
I still haven't cried yet. I don't know why. I've been expecting it the last couple days. I mean, this has happened before, and I cried like there was no tomorrow. So why am I not now?
I wish I knew the answer. Maybe I was expecting this from the beginning. Maybe I knew that it was too good to be true. Maybe I knew that he wasn't the one.
But I didn't accept it.
I really need to learn how to do that.
You know how sometimes, when you really really REALLY want something, and you just pray and pray that you can have it? And you promise that if you have that one thing you really really want, you will be good for the rest of your life? That you will never doubt? That you will do everything right from now on? And you just pray and pray that just this once, things can work out the way you want it?
But all the while, when you're praying really really hard, you always get the tiniest hint that it's not gonna happen. And you know it's not going to work. But, you still pray and bargain. And you still make the stupid mistakes that you know you shouldn't make. And you just crawl back, begging for all the hurt to go away.
Being God must be a tiring job.
Disclaimer
My name is Jense.
I have a disclaimer.
So, yes, I've been writing these little thoughts in my head alot, and not even gonna lie, I don't think they are that bad. I'm pretty proud of the few things that I've written.
But, let me just say, this is not what I normally do.
I'm not really a writer.
You should see my friends Mary and Jewel and Hillary. They write amazing stuff. That's their talent.
Those are pseudonyms, in case you didn't know.
I'm really more of a lyricist. If that's the right word. I like to write songs. I create music too. I write things that I feel, based on what is happening to me at the time. I'd like to think that that's my talent.
Right now though, it's been hard to come up with the right words.
That's usually how it happens. Either I start hearing music in my head or words just start coming. But not this time.
So, I'm just waiting around for the words and the music to come. And until then, I'm just writing how I feel in an unfamiliar way.
Hopefully, a song will come.
I have a disclaimer.
So, yes, I've been writing these little thoughts in my head alot, and not even gonna lie, I don't think they are that bad. I'm pretty proud of the few things that I've written.
But, let me just say, this is not what I normally do.
I'm not really a writer.
You should see my friends Mary and Jewel and Hillary. They write amazing stuff. That's their talent.
Those are pseudonyms, in case you didn't know.
I'm really more of a lyricist. If that's the right word. I like to write songs. I create music too. I write things that I feel, based on what is happening to me at the time. I'd like to think that that's my talent.
Right now though, it's been hard to come up with the right words.
That's usually how it happens. Either I start hearing music in my head or words just start coming. But not this time.
So, I'm just waiting around for the words and the music to come. And until then, I'm just writing how I feel in an unfamiliar way.
Hopefully, a song will come.
Choices
My name is Jense.
Or Jens. However you want to spell it. It doesn't really matter. It's all the same to me.
I like it when people call me Jense or Jens. I don't really know why, but I feel closer to the ones that call me that. Like, they don't have to be too formal or something. One person even got close enough to call me my other favorite nickname: JD. Short for J-Dawg.
She's not my friend anymore.
It's been over a year. Closer to two now. Bizarre.
Last night, I was missing her alot. I don't think it has really hit me yet. That is a lie. It has hit me. But I still haven't accepted it.
This was not how it was suppose to happen. We were suppose to be friends forever.
I often wonder what happened. And I always come up with the same conclusion.
The choices separated us.
People hear this all the time, but they never understand it. Choices affect more than just you, it affects everyone. And sometimes, it can affect everyone for a long time. Sometimes, even forever.
I'm still in my forever stage.
Or Jens. However you want to spell it. It doesn't really matter. It's all the same to me.
I like it when people call me Jense or Jens. I don't really know why, but I feel closer to the ones that call me that. Like, they don't have to be too formal or something. One person even got close enough to call me my other favorite nickname: JD. Short for J-Dawg.
She's not my friend anymore.
It's been over a year. Closer to two now. Bizarre.
Last night, I was missing her alot. I don't think it has really hit me yet. That is a lie. It has hit me. But I still haven't accepted it.
This was not how it was suppose to happen. We were suppose to be friends forever.
I often wonder what happened. And I always come up with the same conclusion.
The choices separated us.
People hear this all the time, but they never understand it. Choices affect more than just you, it affects everyone. And sometimes, it can affect everyone for a long time. Sometimes, even forever.
I'm still in my forever stage.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Pessimistic
My name is Jense.
Tonight I feel numb.
Actually, it varies. I'm numb. Then sad. Then numb. Then angry. Then pissed. Then sad. Then confused. That's usually the pattern.
It's only been 24 hours or so.
Crazy how people's emotions can change so rapidly in such a short time.
I think right now I have a right to be though. I try not to be most of the time, but right now, it's ok. It's ok to be pessimistic sometimes.
Except, I'm pessimistic alot. Or, so I've been told.
I don't even think I'm that bad. I mean, ya, I dont think I'm that pretty or talented or amazing, but believe me, I could be a whole lot worse.
I could dye my hair pitch black with purple, red, and green streaks. I could wear skin tight see-through white shirts, with a red bra underneath, just to show off. I could get a million and one piercings all over my body. I could cut. I could cuss. I could put people down. I could walk around the world, openly complaining about how it just sucks, and bring everyone down with me. I could tell the people that I really don't like to go to hell.
See? I don't think I'm that bad.
There's no point in all that, I dont believe. Who's it gonna help? What point will it make? None.
So, you see, that's why I just keep it all inside me.
Except, every once in a while, it slips, and then people accuse me of being so pessimistic.
I wish they didn't point that out about me. It makes me feel more self conscious of myself than I already am.
It makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do.
Tonight I feel numb.
Actually, it varies. I'm numb. Then sad. Then numb. Then angry. Then pissed. Then sad. Then confused. That's usually the pattern.
It's only been 24 hours or so.
Crazy how people's emotions can change so rapidly in such a short time.
I think right now I have a right to be though. I try not to be most of the time, but right now, it's ok. It's ok to be pessimistic sometimes.
Except, I'm pessimistic alot. Or, so I've been told.
I don't even think I'm that bad. I mean, ya, I dont think I'm that pretty or talented or amazing, but believe me, I could be a whole lot worse.
I could dye my hair pitch black with purple, red, and green streaks. I could wear skin tight see-through white shirts, with a red bra underneath, just to show off. I could get a million and one piercings all over my body. I could cut. I could cuss. I could put people down. I could walk around the world, openly complaining about how it just sucks, and bring everyone down with me. I could tell the people that I really don't like to go to hell.
See? I don't think I'm that bad.
There's no point in all that, I dont believe. Who's it gonna help? What point will it make? None.
So, you see, that's why I just keep it all inside me.
Except, every once in a while, it slips, and then people accuse me of being so pessimistic.
I wish they didn't point that out about me. It makes me feel more self conscious of myself than I already am.
It makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do.
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