A Tiring Job

My name is Jense.
Tonight, I feel empty.
There is a difference between numb and empty. When you're numb, you don't really feel. You don't really care. When you're empty, you feel... deserted. Left behind. Alone. You know, empty.
I still haven't cried yet. I don't know why. I've been expecting it the last couple days. I mean, this has happened before, and I cried like there was no tomorrow. So why am I not now?
I wish I knew the answer. Maybe I was expecting this from the beginning. Maybe I knew that it was too good to be true. Maybe I knew that he wasn't the one.
But I didn't accept it.
I really need to learn how to do that.
You know how sometimes, when you really really REALLY want something, and you just pray and pray that you can have it? And you promise that if you have that one thing you really really want, you will be good for the rest of your life? That you will never doubt? That you will do everything right from now on? And you just pray and pray that just this once, things can work out the way you want it?
But all the while, when you're praying really really hard, you always get the tiniest hint that it's not gonna happen. And you know it's not going to work. But, you still pray and bargain. And you still make the stupid mistakes that you know you shouldn't make. And you just crawl back, begging for all the hurt to go away.
Being God must be a tiring job.