Pessimistic

My name is Jense.
Tonight I feel numb.
Actually, it varies. I'm numb. Then sad. Then numb. Then angry. Then pissed. Then sad. Then confused. That's usually the pattern.
It's only been 24 hours or so.
Crazy how people's emotions can change so rapidly in such a short time.
I think right now I have a right to be though. I try not to be most of the time, but right now, it's ok. It's ok to be pessimistic sometimes.
Except, I'm pessimistic alot. Or, so I've been told.
I don't even think I'm that bad. I mean, ya, I dont think I'm that pretty or talented or amazing, but believe me, I could be a whole lot worse.
I could dye my hair pitch black with purple, red, and green streaks. I could wear skin tight see-through white shirts, with a red bra underneath, just to show off. I could get a million and one piercings all over my body. I could cut. I could cuss. I could put people down. I could walk around the world, openly complaining about how it just sucks, and bring everyone down with me. I could tell the people that I really don't like to go to hell.
See? I don't think I'm that bad.
There's no point in all that, I dont believe. Who's it gonna help? What point will it make? None.
So, you see, that's why I just keep it all inside me.
Except, every once in a while, it slips, and then people accuse me of being so pessimistic.
I wish they didn't point that out about me. It makes me feel more self conscious of myself than I already am.
It makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do.