My name is Jense.
This was an old thought I wrote about a year ago.
...
I've come to learn that in this little thing called Life, the people you meet are never by accident. In one way or another, whether they be acquaintances or your best friends, the people you meet teach you the greatest lessons of life in ways that you could never learn on your own.
I've come to learn that in this little thing called Life, Angels come into your life when you need them the most. They come to you to lift you up when all you want to do is stumble and cry, and through thick and thin, they will continue to stand by your side when it is needed. Those angels will become your best friends.
I've come to learn that in this little thing called Life, sometimes the people you love the most will leave. Sometimes, it is by their own choice and power. Sometimes, it isn't. But whether it's by choice or not, you will always love them. Even more importantly, you will always love and appreciate them for making you the greater and stronger person that you are. It may be possible that you will never see them again, but you will always treasure that little piece of you that they helped create.
But most of all, I've come to learn that in this little thing called Life, everything happens for a reason. At the time, it may feel like it's the hardest thing to ever happen to you and that you will never make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. It may feel like everyone is against you, and you are all alone. It may feel like you will never make it through.
But you will.
Because in the end, it always works out.
So what is life's greatest lesson?
Love. Just love.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Tickle the Ivory
My name is Jense.
Travel down memory lane with me.
....
As I tickle the ivory,
The memories flow through my head.
A tiny child, no more than one,
Stumbling over to touch,
To feel.
It is there,
Within her grasp.
POUND! POUND! POUND!
Her smile widens
And her eyes sparkle
At the sound.
Patience.
For one day,
You will tickle the ivory.
A little girl, no more than ten,
Yearning to understand,
To comprehend.
It's all so new
So foreign.
CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK!
The frustration deepens,
And a tear flows down her cheek.
Patience.
For one day,
You will tickle the ivory.
A young woman, no more than sixteen,
Standing in front of an audience.
"One of my best students,"
Her teacher says,
"Can sight read very well."
The fear comes.
Anxiety rises.
She begins to play.
It is going well.
And then...
CLUNK!
It catches her off guard.
Her cheeks redden with shame.
Patience.
For you almost tickle
The ivory.
Now, no more than eighteen,
The memories come back.
It was not easy.
At times, it was very hard.
But those hard times made me better
As well as the happy times.
And I smile.
For today,
I tickle the ivory.
Travel down memory lane with me.
....
As I tickle the ivory,
The memories flow through my head.
A tiny child, no more than one,
Stumbling over to touch,
To feel.
It is there,
Within her grasp.
POUND! POUND! POUND!
Her smile widens
And her eyes sparkle
At the sound.
Patience.
For one day,
You will tickle the ivory.
A little girl, no more than ten,
Yearning to understand,
To comprehend.
It's all so new
So foreign.
CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK!
The frustration deepens,
And a tear flows down her cheek.
Patience.
For one day,
You will tickle the ivory.
A young woman, no more than sixteen,
Standing in front of an audience.
"One of my best students,"
Her teacher says,
"Can sight read very well."
The fear comes.
Anxiety rises.
She begins to play.
It is going well.
And then...
CLUNK!
It catches her off guard.
Her cheeks redden with shame.
Patience.
For you almost tickle
The ivory.
Now, no more than eighteen,
The memories come back.
It was not easy.
At times, it was very hard.
But those hard times made me better
As well as the happy times.
And I smile.
For today,
I tickle the ivory.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Deletion
My name is Jense.
I just went through and deleted some older posts.
Shocked? Me too. I didn't think that I really would. I thought maybe it was necessary to keep all the posts that I've written. I mean, these posts have been who I was and am from the beginning of this year. So shouldn't I keep a record?
But, I deleted some. Particularly the ones that made me the most sad or angry.
Ya, you can look. I know there are still some there.
I kept those cuz those are the major ones. The ones that really show my progression.
Life is so unfigureoutable, isn't it? It starts out one way, then throws a fast one at you.
And you're never ready for the fast one.
And so, you make dumb mistakes. Or get hurt. Or hurt others.
Life is so unfigureoutable. We think we are one way, then we find out that we've been wrong.
And then you realize just how much you really did not know about yourself.
Life is so unfigureoutable. It's hard to figure out how to let go of the past. Of the people of the past. Of the past YOU.
And so, you hold on to it. The grudges. The memories. The sorrow. It drags you further and further down.
Life is so unfigureoutable.
Cuz Life is always changing.
And you have to change with it.
But Life is figureoutable in one aspect:
MAN ARE THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE JOY.
Joy. Happiness. Goodness.
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."-Martin Luther King Jr.
I just went through and deleted some older posts.
Shocked? Me too. I didn't think that I really would. I thought maybe it was necessary to keep all the posts that I've written. I mean, these posts have been who I was and am from the beginning of this year. So shouldn't I keep a record?
But why would I want to keep a record on the things that make me sad?
There are still older posts. The ones that are sad. But they helped create the ME that I now AM.
I deleted the sorrow from my blog.
I'm deleting the sorrow from my life. Starting now.
Live. Laugh. Love.
I just went through and deleted some older posts.
Shocked? Me too. I didn't think that I really would. I thought maybe it was necessary to keep all the posts that I've written. I mean, these posts have been who I was and am from the beginning of this year. So shouldn't I keep a record?
But, I deleted some. Particularly the ones that made me the most sad or angry.
Ya, you can look. I know there are still some there.
I kept those cuz those are the major ones. The ones that really show my progression.
Life is so unfigureoutable, isn't it? It starts out one way, then throws a fast one at you.
And you're never ready for the fast one.
And so, you make dumb mistakes. Or get hurt. Or hurt others.
Life is so unfigureoutable. We think we are one way, then we find out that we've been wrong.
And then you realize just how much you really did not know about yourself.
Life is so unfigureoutable. It's hard to figure out how to let go of the past. Of the people of the past. Of the past YOU.
And so, you hold on to it. The grudges. The memories. The sorrow. It drags you further and further down.
Life is so unfigureoutable.
Cuz Life is always changing.
And you have to change with it.
But Life is figureoutable in one aspect:
MAN ARE THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE JOY.
Joy. Happiness. Goodness.
"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."-Martin Luther King Jr.
I just went through and deleted some older posts.
Shocked? Me too. I didn't think that I really would. I thought maybe it was necessary to keep all the posts that I've written. I mean, these posts have been who I was and am from the beginning of this year. So shouldn't I keep a record?
But why would I want to keep a record on the things that make me sad?
There are still older posts. The ones that are sad. But they helped create the ME that I now AM.
I deleted the sorrow from my blog.
I'm deleting the sorrow from my life. Starting now.
Live. Laugh. Love.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Working on it
My name is Jense.
I'm working on it.
On what exactly? Everything.
Being a better singer. Being a better pianist. Writing life changing lyrics. Being charitable. Being a better friend. Loving myself.
I had an epiphany today. Actually, it's nothing new. In fact, it's from one of the greatest movies ever.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn,
Is just to love,
And be loved in return."
But I put a little twist on it.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn,
Is to love yourself,
And let others love you."
Sure, it doesn't rhyme. Rhyming was never my strong suit.
But the meaning is what's important.
Before you can let others love you, you gotta love yourself.
You gotta love you. You.
So, what does this epiphany gotta do with my "working on it" statement? Everything.
How can I become a better singer if I don't already love that I can sing? (At least, that's what I'd like to think.) How can I become a better pianist if I don't already love that I can play anything that I want? How can I write life changing lyrics if I don't love how I write it already? How can I be a better friend and charitable if I don't already love myself?
But most importantly, how can I love others, if I don't already love myself?
I'm not gonna say it's impossible, cuz it is.
It's just a whole heck of a lot harder to do so.
I'm working on it.
I'm working on loving.
I'm working on it.
On what exactly? Everything.
Being a better singer. Being a better pianist. Writing life changing lyrics. Being charitable. Being a better friend. Loving myself.
I had an epiphany today. Actually, it's nothing new. In fact, it's from one of the greatest movies ever.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn,
Is just to love,
And be loved in return."
But I put a little twist on it.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn,
Is to love yourself,
And let others love you."
Sure, it doesn't rhyme. Rhyming was never my strong suit.
But the meaning is what's important.
Before you can let others love you, you gotta love yourself.
You gotta love you. You.
So, what does this epiphany gotta do with my "working on it" statement? Everything.
How can I become a better singer if I don't already love that I can sing? (At least, that's what I'd like to think.) How can I become a better pianist if I don't already love that I can play anything that I want? How can I write life changing lyrics if I don't love how I write it already? How can I be a better friend and charitable if I don't already love myself?
But most importantly, how can I love others, if I don't already love myself?
I'm not gonna say it's impossible, cuz it is.
It's just a whole heck of a lot harder to do so.
I'm working on it.
I'm working on loving.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Q's&A's
My name is Jense.
I ask questions all the time.
"Why is this the way it is?" "Why do bad things happen to good people?" "Why do these kinds of things happen?"
I ask because I want answers. I'm not fine with "It's just way things are." I need to know why. Why Why Why. I need to understand, not just know.
Then, when I figure out the answer, I feel so much better.
Sometimes, it takes me forever to figure out the answers. Years even.
Like, why do I have a hearing aid? Why did he leave me? Why am I the second best? Why does everyone hate me?
These, obviously, are old questions that I have asked before in my life. Questions that I finally have answers to.
They happened because in some weird way, they help strengthen me.
I have a hearing aid, which makes me have to listen intently. Because of that, I am a good listener, and anyone can come to me. He left me because he is not for me, and because I deserve so much better than that. I'm second best so that I can learn to push and challenge myself so that I can become better. Everyone hated me because I made the right decision.
Things are gonna happen, and you're not gonna understand why they happened at first, whether it be a devastating break up, a death of a loss one, or someone who you were so close to leave. It will hurt. A lot.
But in time, other things will happen, and we will understand why the hurt came. And we will realize that we actually needed it, and that it was the best thing that could ever happen.
And the best part is, it always works out for our good.
Cool, huh?
I ask questions all the time.
"Why is this the way it is?" "Why do bad things happen to good people?" "Why do these kinds of things happen?"
I ask because I want answers. I'm not fine with "It's just way things are." I need to know why. Why Why Why. I need to understand, not just know.
Then, when I figure out the answer, I feel so much better.
Sometimes, it takes me forever to figure out the answers. Years even.
Like, why do I have a hearing aid? Why did he leave me? Why am I the second best? Why does everyone hate me?
These, obviously, are old questions that I have asked before in my life. Questions that I finally have answers to.
They happened because in some weird way, they help strengthen me.
I have a hearing aid, which makes me have to listen intently. Because of that, I am a good listener, and anyone can come to me. He left me because he is not for me, and because I deserve so much better than that. I'm second best so that I can learn to push and challenge myself so that I can become better. Everyone hated me because I made the right decision.
Things are gonna happen, and you're not gonna understand why they happened at first, whether it be a devastating break up, a death of a loss one, or someone who you were so close to leave. It will hurt. A lot.
But in time, other things will happen, and we will understand why the hurt came. And we will realize that we actually needed it, and that it was the best thing that could ever happen.
And the best part is, it always works out for our good.
Cool, huh?
Friday, July 1, 2011
City Dreams
My name is Jense.
I need out.
Out. Out. Out.
I need out of this town.
I need out of this lifestyle.
I'm desperate.
I've always been a small town girl, living in a lonely world. That was me. That IS me. I never really questioned it.
Now, randomly, I want to travel. Leave. See the world!
I've never had that desire. Ever. In fact, I hate New York. I always thought it was trashy. England would be cool, but that was just a pipe dream. Never to happen.
Maybe this feeling of lonliness has finally gotten the best of me. Maybe being in this little town in this state of nothing but pastures, cattle, and bad weather is finally getting to me.
Or maybe it's the memories.
Whatever it is, though, I want out.
Cuz if I'm gonna be lonely, at least I'd be in the midst of billions of people. No one would see me anyways. Cuz no one else sees each other.
I never thought the idea of being so invisible would sound so appealing.
I need out.
Out. Out. Out.
I need out of this town.
I need out of this lifestyle.
I'm desperate.
I've always been a small town girl, living in a lonely world. That was me. That IS me. I never really questioned it.
Now, randomly, I want to travel. Leave. See the world!
I've never had that desire. Ever. In fact, I hate New York. I always thought it was trashy. England would be cool, but that was just a pipe dream. Never to happen.
Maybe this feeling of lonliness has finally gotten the best of me. Maybe being in this little town in this state of nothing but pastures, cattle, and bad weather is finally getting to me.
Or maybe it's the memories.
Whatever it is, though, I want out.
Cuz if I'm gonna be lonely, at least I'd be in the midst of billions of people. No one would see me anyways. Cuz no one else sees each other.
I never thought the idea of being so invisible would sound so appealing.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Unfigureoutable
My name is Jense.
Life is so unfigureoutable.
Most would say unpredictable. But lets face it. I'm not like most.
Besides, unfigureoutable is more fun to say.
That has become my new philosophy in life. Everything is unfigureoutable: boys, girls, purpose, love, the future. It's unfigureoutable in the fact that when life seems to be going one way, it WILL (cuz it always does) pull a fast one on you. A curve ball. Sometimes, that can be a negative thing, but it can also be a positive thing.
Things happen. Whether we want them or not. People come into our lives, people leaves our lives. Opportunity come, opportunity go. We win some, we lose some. We fail, we succeed. It's a non-ending cycle of unfigureoutableness.
Life is an unfiguroutable riddle. A riddle that gives the hints and the clues, but never the full answer. It's a quest without a map.
And that's what makes it such a great adventure.
Life is so unfigureoutable.
Most would say unpredictable. But lets face it. I'm not like most.
Besides, unfigureoutable is more fun to say.
That has become my new philosophy in life. Everything is unfigureoutable: boys, girls, purpose, love, the future. It's unfigureoutable in the fact that when life seems to be going one way, it WILL (cuz it always does) pull a fast one on you. A curve ball. Sometimes, that can be a negative thing, but it can also be a positive thing.
Things happen. Whether we want them or not. People come into our lives, people leaves our lives. Opportunity come, opportunity go. We win some, we lose some. We fail, we succeed. It's a non-ending cycle of unfigureoutableness.
Life is an unfiguroutable riddle. A riddle that gives the hints and the clues, but never the full answer. It's a quest without a map.
And that's what makes it such a great adventure.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
This Changes Things
My name is Jense.
This changes things.
Why can't I just stick with one plan?
But I realized something today. The real truth.
The truth is I'm trying to escape. Run away. Avoid.
I thought the mission thing was what I was suppose to do. And maybe it still is. But sitting on the couch watching Clue, and seeing my two friends cuddle with each other made me realize.
Would I be doing it because that's what I'm suppose to do? Or would I be doing to get away? Forget the memories that surround me every single day, as I watch more and more people fall deeply in love? Avoid the constant couples that multiply like rabbits in the area that I live in?
Would I be doing it just for me? To get away from the constant pain that the realization that I'm alone brings to me?
Would that be a bad thing?
Because the truth is, no matter how happy I am for others, no matter how much I smile and laugh, no matter how much I act like I'm ok... Well, the truth is I'm not.
These thoughts raced through my head. I needed answers.
I texted him. Told him what I was feeling. What I thought. Asked what he thought.
I still don't really know what to do. And maybe I don't need to worry about the mission thing right now this minute.
But I worry that I will be alone. So alone. Forever. Always be on the outside looking in.
I went outside for a little while. Let my friends be.
And cried a few tears.
"I shall not envy lovers, but long for what they share."
This changes things.
Why can't I just stick with one plan?
But I realized something today. The real truth.
The truth is I'm trying to escape. Run away. Avoid.
I thought the mission thing was what I was suppose to do. And maybe it still is. But sitting on the couch watching Clue, and seeing my two friends cuddle with each other made me realize.
Would I be doing it because that's what I'm suppose to do? Or would I be doing to get away? Forget the memories that surround me every single day, as I watch more and more people fall deeply in love? Avoid the constant couples that multiply like rabbits in the area that I live in?
Would I be doing it just for me? To get away from the constant pain that the realization that I'm alone brings to me?
Would that be a bad thing?
Because the truth is, no matter how happy I am for others, no matter how much I smile and laugh, no matter how much I act like I'm ok... Well, the truth is I'm not.
These thoughts raced through my head. I needed answers.
I texted him. Told him what I was feeling. What I thought. Asked what he thought.
I still don't really know what to do. And maybe I don't need to worry about the mission thing right now this minute.
But I worry that I will be alone. So alone. Forever. Always be on the outside looking in.
I went outside for a little while. Let my friends be.
And cried a few tears.
"I shall not envy lovers, but long for what they share."
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A Little Life Changing Conversation
My name is Jense.
This is a conversation.
"I think that's my other problem."
"Which is...?"
"I've kinda trained myself not to fall for guys."
"HAHA! That would be a problem! ... Just be yourself. Someone will pick up on your amazingness very soon."
"That's the other problem... I don't think there's any amazingness in me."
"Jensen. That IS a problem. If you don't think much of yourself, others tend to see that. People like confidence. Although, I've never seen you not be friendly and confident."
"That's because I've been working on it. And I'm a good actress. :) And also, I decided that if I cant find the amazingness in me, I will find it in other people, and that helps I think."
"Don't just act. Make it a reality!"
...
Make it a reality?
Can I do that?
This is a conversation.
"I think that's my other problem."
"Which is...?"
"I've kinda trained myself not to fall for guys."
"HAHA! That would be a problem! ... Just be yourself. Someone will pick up on your amazingness very soon."
"That's the other problem... I don't think there's any amazingness in me."
"Jensen. That IS a problem. If you don't think much of yourself, others tend to see that. People like confidence. Although, I've never seen you not be friendly and confident."
"That's because I've been working on it. And I'm a good actress. :) And also, I decided that if I cant find the amazingness in me, I will find it in other people, and that helps I think."
"Don't just act. Make it a reality!"
...
Make it a reality?
Can I do that?
Monday, June 20, 2011
Soundboard
My name is Jense.
I am a soundboard.
I don't mind it really. I like the fact that people feel that they can come to me with their problems.
That's been my role for as long as I can remember.
Only one problem.
Now I don't know who can be my soundboard.
Or how I'd open up, if I found one.
I am a soundboard.
I don't mind it really. I like the fact that people feel that they can come to me with their problems.
That's been my role for as long as I can remember.
Only one problem.
Now I don't know who can be my soundboard.
Or how I'd open up, if I found one.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sweet, Innocent, Naive
My name is Jense.
I think I got it figured out.
I don't know who I am.
Weird huh? You'd think that I would. And I guess at some degree, I do. I'm Jensen Parrish. My father is Bill Parrish and my mother is Ross Parrish. I have 3 younger brothers named Ian, Keegan, and Liam. I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am a child of God.
But, at the same time, I don't.
I've been trying to figure it out for a long time.
But, here's the thing. Everyone think that they know me, and they gave me a label.
"Sweet, innocent, naive Jensen."
I hated it. Because I'm not sweet, innocent, or naive.
My 2 best friends had sex together at the age of 16 and 15. 10th grade year, I went through a rebellious stage. I swear when I'm angry. I cry when I'm hurt.
I've seen my share of non-sweet, non-innocent things.
But, for reasons unknown to me, people look at me and say, "Sweet, innocent, naive Jensen."
I hated it so much.
So, I fought it.
Swear. Yell. Laugh at dirty jokes. Gossip. Immodesty.
Yet, naturally, I cringe at it all.
Naturally, I don't want to do it.
But, I fought the natural.
Until now. I just don't want to fight it anymore.
I was so determined to prove everyone wrong, that now I can't prove myself right. Caught in between two people.
Who am I?
I think I got it figured out.
I don't know who I am.
Weird huh? You'd think that I would. And I guess at some degree, I do. I'm Jensen Parrish. My father is Bill Parrish and my mother is Ross Parrish. I have 3 younger brothers named Ian, Keegan, and Liam. I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am a child of God.
But, at the same time, I don't.
I've been trying to figure it out for a long time.
But, here's the thing. Everyone think that they know me, and they gave me a label.
"Sweet, innocent, naive Jensen."
I hated it. Because I'm not sweet, innocent, or naive.
My 2 best friends had sex together at the age of 16 and 15. 10th grade year, I went through a rebellious stage. I swear when I'm angry. I cry when I'm hurt.
I've seen my share of non-sweet, non-innocent things.
But, for reasons unknown to me, people look at me and say, "Sweet, innocent, naive Jensen."
I hated it so much.
So, I fought it.
Swear. Yell. Laugh at dirty jokes. Gossip. Immodesty.
Yet, naturally, I cringe at it all.
Naturally, I don't want to do it.
But, I fought the natural.
Until now. I just don't want to fight it anymore.
I was so determined to prove everyone wrong, that now I can't prove myself right. Caught in between two people.
Who am I?
Friday, June 3, 2011
The Wall
My name is Jense.
I'm surrounded by a wall.
I built this wall actually. No one trapped me in it. I built it all on my own.
It was a long process, let me tell you. It took me a few years. When I was younger, I was so carefree and naive. I just ran around and played and laughed.
Then my first heartbreak happened. That was awful.
So, I built a little pedestal for myself. "I'm not coming down until the right one comes."
I stood on that pedestal for a long time. As much as I loved being above everyone, I began to get a little lonely. No body really noticed me standing there. But, I refused to come down. Not till the right one came.
Then he came. And I dont know how he did it, but he coaxed me into coming down from my safe pedestal. He took my hand and led me down. I felt free again. "This is what I've been missing."
But, even he led me astray.
Left me alone.
Left me confused.
"But... You were suppose to be the one."
With tears rolling, I climbed back on my pedestal. I sat there. Let the tears flow. I looked around.
Even the pedestal couldn't protect me. It wasn't enough.
And so, I started to build. I built day and night. With bricks. I surrounded myself with these bricks.
Now here I stand here surrounded by my wall.
And I'm not coming back out.
I'm waiting for the one who will climb the wall, and lead me back.
And until then, I will stay here, thanks.
I'm surrounded by a wall.
I built this wall actually. No one trapped me in it. I built it all on my own.
It was a long process, let me tell you. It took me a few years. When I was younger, I was so carefree and naive. I just ran around and played and laughed.
Then my first heartbreak happened. That was awful.
So, I built a little pedestal for myself. "I'm not coming down until the right one comes."
I stood on that pedestal for a long time. As much as I loved being above everyone, I began to get a little lonely. No body really noticed me standing there. But, I refused to come down. Not till the right one came.
Then he came. And I dont know how he did it, but he coaxed me into coming down from my safe pedestal. He took my hand and led me down. I felt free again. "This is what I've been missing."
But, even he led me astray.
Left me alone.
Left me confused.
"But... You were suppose to be the one."
With tears rolling, I climbed back on my pedestal. I sat there. Let the tears flow. I looked around.
Even the pedestal couldn't protect me. It wasn't enough.
And so, I started to build. I built day and night. With bricks. I surrounded myself with these bricks.
Now here I stand here surrounded by my wall.
And I'm not coming back out.
I'm waiting for the one who will climb the wall, and lead me back.
And until then, I will stay here, thanks.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Segments
My name is Jense.
I am exceptional.
"Work in segments."
"Life is a journey, not a destination. Remember that."
"Less stress."
"Line upon line. Precept upon precept."
My dad is the best.
So is my Father.
I am exceptional.
"Work in segments."
"Life is a journey, not a destination. Remember that."
"Less stress."
"Line upon line. Precept upon precept."
My dad is the best.
So is my Father.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
2nd Nature
My name is Jense.
I am the third wheel.
Most would say that's a bad thing. But is it really?
I've been the third wheel my whole life. No joke. But it's been so long, that I almost feel like that's just how it is.
When I was 5 years old, I got a hearing aid. Ya, I know. 5. Very little. I've had this thing for literally my entire life. I cannot even fathom what my life would be like without it. It's 2nd nature to me.
But I wonder how much I really miss out on. Things that I don't hear. For me, my hearing is normal.
But, really, it's not normal.
I am the third wheel.
I watch people flirt and hold hands and cuddle. I watch people laugh and kiss and love.
It's 2nd nature to me.
I wonder how much I really miss out on.
I am the third wheel.
Most would say that's a bad thing. But is it really?
I've been the third wheel my whole life. No joke. But it's been so long, that I almost feel like that's just how it is.
When I was 5 years old, I got a hearing aid. Ya, I know. 5. Very little. I've had this thing for literally my entire life. I cannot even fathom what my life would be like without it. It's 2nd nature to me.
But I wonder how much I really miss out on. Things that I don't hear. For me, my hearing is normal.
But, really, it's not normal.
I am the third wheel.
I watch people flirt and hold hands and cuddle. I watch people laugh and kiss and love.
It's 2nd nature to me.
I wonder how much I really miss out on.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Tragic
My name is Jense.
You know, I started writing this, and I was gonna start complaining about how I wish for things I didn't have. Like, how I was gorgeous like my cousin, sang like my roommate or aunt, outgoing like my other roommate. Things like that.
Then I decided against it.
Cuz here's a fact: It doesn't matter how much I wish. I'm still gonna be me. Ordinary me. Not gorgeous. Not extremely talented. Probably not extremely outgoing.
But you know, that's ok.
It's ok to not be the one that stands out. It's ok to not be the Alpha.
I think about how life would be if I wasnt the way I was. And I decided it would be so different.
I wouldn't have the friends I have. I wouldn't be the way I am.
I wouldn't be me.
How tragic would that be?
You know, I started writing this, and I was gonna start complaining about how I wish for things I didn't have. Like, how I was gorgeous like my cousin, sang like my roommate or aunt, outgoing like my other roommate. Things like that.
Then I decided against it.
Cuz here's a fact: It doesn't matter how much I wish. I'm still gonna be me. Ordinary me. Not gorgeous. Not extremely talented. Probably not extremely outgoing.
But you know, that's ok.
It's ok to not be the one that stands out. It's ok to not be the Alpha.
I think about how life would be if I wasnt the way I was. And I decided it would be so different.
I wouldn't have the friends I have. I wouldn't be the way I am.
I wouldn't be me.
How tragic would that be?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Medicine for a Broken Heart
My name is Jense.
This is medicine for a broken heart.
SING when you want to cry.
DANCE when you want to hide.
LAUGH when there are no words.
And always LOVE.
This is medicine for a broken heart.
SING when you want to cry.
DANCE when you want to hide.
LAUGH when there are no words.
And always LOVE.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Why?
My name is Jense.
I'm confused.
Why am I here? What is my point of life?
No, that's not suppose to be suicidal. It's sincere.
Why am I here, really? There must be a point. I was suppose to be dead 19 years ago. Having just one breath of life, then go back.
But I didn't.
I lived.
And that would have been one dramatic entrance into life, if I'm not suppose to go out with a bang. Something that makes my mark on Earth.
So why?
I'm confused.
Why am I here? What is my point of life?
No, that's not suppose to be suicidal. It's sincere.
Why am I here, really? There must be a point. I was suppose to be dead 19 years ago. Having just one breath of life, then go back.
But I didn't.
I lived.
And that would have been one dramatic entrance into life, if I'm not suppose to go out with a bang. Something that makes my mark on Earth.
So why?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Nowadays
My name is Jense.
Sometimes I just sit in my room and let myself drown in music.
It's the only thing that makes sense in this confused world nowadays.
Sometimes I just sit in my room and let myself drown in music.
It's the only thing that makes sense in this confused world nowadays.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
May 15th
My name is Jense.
Im not gonna lie, I've been waiting all day to write this. Well, all day on the 14th, so that I would be awake at 12 a.m. on the 15th. Why the 15th? May 15th?
Well, it was the day where my life changed.
Ok. So that may sound a little melodramatic. But it really is true.
May 15, 2011.
......
May 15, 2009
I'm pretty sure I can honestly say that there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about at least one part of that day or night.
I think of all of us at lava. Thai food. Driving home. Your arm around me.
The park.
What a good day. Could possibly be the best of my life thus far.
But the one thing that stands out to me the most in my memories are the stars.
Looking up at those stars. So clear. So beautiful.
I felt so safe in your arms. My head on your shoulder. Your hand in my hair.
Secrets. Confessions. The first kiss.
May 15th 2009.
.......
May 15th 2011.
I am here. You are there. Miles apart.
But somehow, I feel that when you realize that it is May 15th, you will remember. Even if it's very brief. And somehow, I know that when you realize it's May 15th, you'll smile, maybe chuckle a little. Then you will continue doing the work.
.......
I love you.
Im not gonna lie, I've been waiting all day to write this. Well, all day on the 14th, so that I would be awake at 12 a.m. on the 15th. Why the 15th? May 15th?
Well, it was the day where my life changed.
Ok. So that may sound a little melodramatic. But it really is true.
May 15, 2011.
......
May 15, 2009
I'm pretty sure I can honestly say that there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about at least one part of that day or night.
I think of all of us at lava. Thai food. Driving home. Your arm around me.
The park.
What a good day. Could possibly be the best of my life thus far.
But the one thing that stands out to me the most in my memories are the stars.
Looking up at those stars. So clear. So beautiful.
I felt so safe in your arms. My head on your shoulder. Your hand in my hair.
Secrets. Confessions. The first kiss.
May 15th 2009.
.......
May 15th 2011.
I am here. You are there. Miles apart.
But somehow, I feel that when you realize that it is May 15th, you will remember. Even if it's very brief. And somehow, I know that when you realize it's May 15th, you'll smile, maybe chuckle a little. Then you will continue doing the work.
.......
I love you.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Tips for Life
My name is Jense.
I don't really know what to write about tonight. All I know is that I just need to.
I'm not gonna pretend that I'm a fantastic writer, and try and come up with something very deep and profound to say. I'm not gonna worry about trying to use some effective literary devices that will make my post seem deeper than it really is. I'm pretty tired about writing about love and heartbreak and lonliness, so I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna write about how life sux, cuz I dont wanna feel that way anymore.
I'm just writing to write. For myself.
Yes, I still miss you, and everyday, I wonder where you are, and what you are doing. How life is treating you.
Yes, I feel more alone now than I have in a very long time. About a year, actually.
Yes, everyday it gets harder and harder knowing that Im not in a relationship or anything like that.
But there's more to life than that.
It's just about trying to find out what it is.
And right now, while just randomly writing this, I just thought of something kinda interesting. And that is, there's not just one thing that you're suppose to discover in life.
Like, you're not just suppose to discover "who you are." You're not just suppose to "love someone more than yourself." You're not suppose to just "find you're purpose of life."
Cuz honestly, who defines that? It's different for everyone. Love is different for everyone. Purpose is different for everyone.
Life is a nonstop, neverending riddle. Un-figure-out-able.
Yes. I did just make that word up.
Life is changing. Everyday. Every hour. It's never the same.
Most days are ordinary. But even the ordinary days bring change.
Be prepared to accept the change.
Be prepared to move on.
Be prepared for failure and sadness. But at the same time, be prepared for success and happiness.
"We were not put here on earth to be stagnant."
Yes, that is in my self love bible.
Love this life. Cuz if you don't love this one, how can you love the next?
"Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?"
Yes. That is also in my self love bible.
Live. Laugh. Love.
I don't really know what to write about tonight. All I know is that I just need to.
I'm not gonna pretend that I'm a fantastic writer, and try and come up with something very deep and profound to say. I'm not gonna worry about trying to use some effective literary devices that will make my post seem deeper than it really is. I'm pretty tired about writing about love and heartbreak and lonliness, so I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna write about how life sux, cuz I dont wanna feel that way anymore.
I'm just writing to write. For myself.
Yes, I still miss you, and everyday, I wonder where you are, and what you are doing. How life is treating you.
Yes, I feel more alone now than I have in a very long time. About a year, actually.
Yes, everyday it gets harder and harder knowing that Im not in a relationship or anything like that.
But there's more to life than that.
It's just about trying to find out what it is.
And right now, while just randomly writing this, I just thought of something kinda interesting. And that is, there's not just one thing that you're suppose to discover in life.
Like, you're not just suppose to discover "who you are." You're not just suppose to "love someone more than yourself." You're not suppose to just "find you're purpose of life."
Cuz honestly, who defines that? It's different for everyone. Love is different for everyone. Purpose is different for everyone.
Life is a nonstop, neverending riddle. Un-figure-out-able.
Yes. I did just make that word up.
Life is changing. Everyday. Every hour. It's never the same.
Most days are ordinary. But even the ordinary days bring change.
Be prepared to accept the change.
Be prepared to move on.
Be prepared for failure and sadness. But at the same time, be prepared for success and happiness.
"We were not put here on earth to be stagnant."
Yes, that is in my self love bible.
Love this life. Cuz if you don't love this one, how can you love the next?
"Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?"
Yes. That is also in my self love bible.
Live. Laugh. Love.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Maybe
My name is Jense.
Sometimes, I just wanna cry.
Sometimes, I just wanna cry, and I really don't know why.
Maybe it's cuz my ankle hurts like hell.
Maybe it's cuz I'm homesick.
Maybe it's cuz I'm tired of seeing her all over him all the time.
Maybe it's cuz I'm the third wheel.
Maybe it's cuz I'm really awkward, and I honestly do not know how to respond or react in certain situations, and so it makes me look like an idiot.
Maybe it's cuz she's so talented, and such an amazing singer, and that's all I've ever wanted in the world, and I can't have that.
Maybe it's cuz with every passing day, I realize that I'm never gonna hear right, and I'm always gonna look stupid when I'm with a lot of people, cuz I can't hear right.
Maybe it's cuz I have to be strong for so many people, when I don't even have the strength to help myself.
Maybe it's cuz every day, I see so many people being so happy, and I just have to be happy for them, even when it's tearing me apart inside.
Maybe it's cuz at the end of every day, I realize that I'm so alone.
Maybe...
Or maybe, it's all of the above.
Sometimes, I just wanna cry.
Sometimes, I just wanna cry, and I really don't know why.
Maybe it's cuz my ankle hurts like hell.
Maybe it's cuz I'm homesick.
Maybe it's cuz I'm tired of seeing her all over him all the time.
Maybe it's cuz I'm the third wheel.
Maybe it's cuz I'm really awkward, and I honestly do not know how to respond or react in certain situations, and so it makes me look like an idiot.
Maybe it's cuz she's so talented, and such an amazing singer, and that's all I've ever wanted in the world, and I can't have that.
Maybe it's cuz with every passing day, I realize that I'm never gonna hear right, and I'm always gonna look stupid when I'm with a lot of people, cuz I can't hear right.
Maybe it's cuz I have to be strong for so many people, when I don't even have the strength to help myself.
Maybe it's cuz every day, I see so many people being so happy, and I just have to be happy for them, even when it's tearing me apart inside.
Maybe it's cuz at the end of every day, I realize that I'm so alone.
Maybe...
Or maybe, it's all of the above.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
The Dream
My name is Jense.
I dreamt about you last night.
In this dream, though, it wasn't the past, like how things used to be. It was the present. How things are.
It felt real too. I really thought it happened after I woke up.
We saw each other. You just looked at me. Didn't say anything. Didn't smile. Just looked.
At first, it was hurt. Then disgust. Then anger.
Then you walked away without saying anything.
Without letting me say anything.
Just like reality.
Then I woke up.
I dreamt about you last night.
In this dream, though, it wasn't the past, like how things used to be. It was the present. How things are.
It felt real too. I really thought it happened after I woke up.
We saw each other. You just looked at me. Didn't say anything. Didn't smile. Just looked.
At first, it was hurt. Then disgust. Then anger.
Then you walked away without saying anything.
Without letting me say anything.
Just like reality.
Then I woke up.
Stupid and Bizarre
My name is Jense.
My roommate said, "I used to think that you and Syd were so stupid. Cuz it's never smart. No. Not one excuse. It's dumb. It's stupid."
Is it? Is it really stupid?
What defines stupid anyway? I mean, I've seen other people do things that I think is stupid, but they think it's totally normal. Like, staying up till 4 in the morning on a school night. If you ask me, that's stupid.
Ok, so that's beside the point. So anyways, I've been thinking a lot. Sure, there are some things that are legitmately stupid. Like staying up late. Or running out into the streets. Or running around naked around the neighborhood. (Yes these are bizarre examples. But that's why they are stupid.)
But then there's the other kind of stupid. The bizarrest of them all.
AKA: Love.
Yes. Love. The bizarrest of them all.
Is bizarrest even a word? Well, it is now.
Oh the things that love will make you do. Really. Think about it. It makes you not think. Right?
Love will make you sell yourself short, and go for the guy who doesn't treat you right. Make you do things you don't wanna do. Make you do things just to feel loved.
Love will make you stay with someone for years, even if you know that it's not working.
Love will make you stay with someone, even when they have problems, physically, mentally, or spiritually. It will make you stay for months, with no guarantee that they will stay.
Love will make you wait for someone to come back, even if its for years. It will keep you hoping, even if you don't know what will happen when they come back.
....
If they come back.
....
If they even love you if they come back.
....
Bizarre, huh?
I don't think so.
You wanna know why love is the bizarrest of them all? Cuz even though it has no guarantees, even though he may leave and never come back, even though you do the craziest things, you do it for him.
You do it for him because you love him more than yourself.
And when you love someone more than yourself, you find a reason to live. A reason to want to live.
And that's why Syd or I or any other girl who have loved someone more than themselves, aren't stupid.
Love is never stupid.
My roommate said, "I used to think that you and Syd were so stupid. Cuz it's never smart. No. Not one excuse. It's dumb. It's stupid."
Is it? Is it really stupid?
What defines stupid anyway? I mean, I've seen other people do things that I think is stupid, but they think it's totally normal. Like, staying up till 4 in the morning on a school night. If you ask me, that's stupid.
Ok, so that's beside the point. So anyways, I've been thinking a lot. Sure, there are some things that are legitmately stupid. Like staying up late. Or running out into the streets. Or running around naked around the neighborhood. (Yes these are bizarre examples. But that's why they are stupid.)
But then there's the other kind of stupid. The bizarrest of them all.
AKA: Love.
Yes. Love. The bizarrest of them all.
Is bizarrest even a word? Well, it is now.
Oh the things that love will make you do. Really. Think about it. It makes you not think. Right?
Love will make you sell yourself short, and go for the guy who doesn't treat you right. Make you do things you don't wanna do. Make you do things just to feel loved.
Love will make you stay with someone for years, even if you know that it's not working.
Love will make you stay with someone, even when they have problems, physically, mentally, or spiritually. It will make you stay for months, with no guarantee that they will stay.
Love will make you wait for someone to come back, even if its for years. It will keep you hoping, even if you don't know what will happen when they come back.
....
If they come back.
....
If they even love you if they come back.
....
Bizarre, huh?
I don't think so.
You wanna know why love is the bizarrest of them all? Cuz even though it has no guarantees, even though he may leave and never come back, even though you do the craziest things, you do it for him.
You do it for him because you love him more than yourself.
And when you love someone more than yourself, you find a reason to live. A reason to want to live.
And that's why Syd or I or any other girl who have loved someone more than themselves, aren't stupid.
Love is never stupid.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Left Out
My name is Jense.
I wish I had boy drama.
Weird, huh? I would normally never say that. Ever.
But right now, listening to my roommates talk about how all these guys like them, and seeing them bond the way they are, it makes me want it.
So I wouldn't be left out.
I wish I had boy drama.
Weird, huh? I would normally never say that. Ever.
But right now, listening to my roommates talk about how all these guys like them, and seeing them bond the way they are, it makes me want it.
So I wouldn't be left out.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Some insults in a Teenage Life
My name is Jense.
And this is my journal.
Ya, pretty much that is what you have all been reading. My journal. Not a very private one, or typical one, but that's what it is.
A journal can be used in many ways, like write what happened during the day, or your thoughts, or your goals. Which is pretty much what I've been using this for.
It is also used to let out feelings of frustration.
Which is what I'm gonna do right now.
Caution: Yes. I know I'm risking it, because anyone can read this at any given point. But I'm willing to do that.
I can remember the first real insult I was given.
It was, "Maybe if you wore these kind of clothes, you would be prettier."
Yes. That was what it was. Shocked me a little. I never knew that clothes were that important. But hey, what did I know? I wore jeans, a T, and tennis shoes everyday.
And so I started wearing different kind of clothes.
Then it was, "If you wear this kind of makeup, you won't be as ugly."
Can you believe that? The nerve. But hey, what did I know? I never wore an ounce of makeup in my life.
And so I started wearing makeup.
But then, the list grew even more.
"You're too short. If you were taller, boys would like you."
"When your hair is longer, boys will like you, cuz boys like longer hair."
"You have a very round face."
"You should wax your eyebrows. They are so bushy."
"You have a long nose."
"Jensen is ugly."
Things that I really couldn't change.
And this was all between the ages of 12-14. Constant insults.
And from that moment on, I was very insecure about myself.
Im definitely getting better. At least, I think I am. I try to point out a positive thing about myself everyday, to make up for all the negative.
But there's still those...
"You can't be a princess. Princesses are pretty."
"It's because you're black."
"Why would you go to BYU Idaho?"
"Why do you talk like that?"
"You talk funny."
"It's because you're deaf."
"If you got married before me, I'd be so pissed."
"You're such a freak."
"Nevermind."
" *whispers* "
Whispers are the absolute worse. Gosh, I hate it when people whisper.
Anyways, yes. Those are just some insults I've recieved. And I know half of them are "just kidding" insults.
But those are almost worse. In every "Just kidding", there is a "But seriously".
Which, honestly, I really don't know what I did to deserve them. Cuz I really do try and be nice to people. And I try to uplift people, even if I feel insecure around them. Being uplifting makes everyone feel just a whole lot better.
But if I'm doing something wrong, and if it's a punishment, please God, let me know what I did, and I will correct my ways.
Otherwise, people, if you just need someone to insult to make yourself feel better, that's just sad.
So sad.
And this is my journal.
Ya, pretty much that is what you have all been reading. My journal. Not a very private one, or typical one, but that's what it is.
A journal can be used in many ways, like write what happened during the day, or your thoughts, or your goals. Which is pretty much what I've been using this for.
It is also used to let out feelings of frustration.
Which is what I'm gonna do right now.
Caution: Yes. I know I'm risking it, because anyone can read this at any given point. But I'm willing to do that.
I can remember the first real insult I was given.
It was, "Maybe if you wore these kind of clothes, you would be prettier."
Yes. That was what it was. Shocked me a little. I never knew that clothes were that important. But hey, what did I know? I wore jeans, a T, and tennis shoes everyday.
And so I started wearing different kind of clothes.
Then it was, "If you wear this kind of makeup, you won't be as ugly."
Can you believe that? The nerve. But hey, what did I know? I never wore an ounce of makeup in my life.
And so I started wearing makeup.
But then, the list grew even more.
"You're too short. If you were taller, boys would like you."
"When your hair is longer, boys will like you, cuz boys like longer hair."
"You have a very round face."
"You should wax your eyebrows. They are so bushy."
"You have a long nose."
"Jensen is ugly."
Things that I really couldn't change.
And this was all between the ages of 12-14. Constant insults.
And from that moment on, I was very insecure about myself.
Im definitely getting better. At least, I think I am. I try to point out a positive thing about myself everyday, to make up for all the negative.
But there's still those...
"You can't be a princess. Princesses are pretty."
"It's because you're black."
"Why would you go to BYU Idaho?"
"Why do you talk like that?"
"You talk funny."
"It's because you're deaf."
"If you got married before me, I'd be so pissed."
"You're such a freak."
"Nevermind."
" *whispers* "
Whispers are the absolute worse. Gosh, I hate it when people whisper.
Anyways, yes. Those are just some insults I've recieved. And I know half of them are "just kidding" insults.
But those are almost worse. In every "Just kidding", there is a "But seriously".
Which, honestly, I really don't know what I did to deserve them. Cuz I really do try and be nice to people. And I try to uplift people, even if I feel insecure around them. Being uplifting makes everyone feel just a whole lot better.
But if I'm doing something wrong, and if it's a punishment, please God, let me know what I did, and I will correct my ways.
Otherwise, people, if you just need someone to insult to make yourself feel better, that's just sad.
So sad.
Friday, April 15, 2011
The Office
My name is Jense.
I found your old office today.
It was by accident. I was really trying to find the bathroom. But I took a wrong turn.
It had your name on the door.
"B.J. Bart J. Parrish
Boss's Husband"
I stared at it. I was a little scared at first. I pushed the door open.
The room was really messy. It still hasn't been cleaned out, even though it's been 14 years.
I walked in. There was your desk. Your flag. Your "L" Lion's Club vest. The window looked out into the garage, where people fix their cars. It all looks the same.
I remember when you used to sit behind that desk. When you wore that vest. It's very blurry and vague, but I remember.
It's been 14 years.
And yet, your memory still makes me cry.
I found your old office today.
It was by accident. I was really trying to find the bathroom. But I took a wrong turn.
It had your name on the door.
"B.J. Bart J. Parrish
Boss's Husband"
I stared at it. I was a little scared at first. I pushed the door open.
The room was really messy. It still hasn't been cleaned out, even though it's been 14 years.
I walked in. There was your desk. Your flag. Your "L" Lion's Club vest. The window looked out into the garage, where people fix their cars. It all looks the same.
I remember when you used to sit behind that desk. When you wore that vest. It's very blurry and vague, but I remember.
It's been 14 years.
And yet, your memory still makes me cry.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Through Different Eyes
My name is Jense.
Yesterday, I was chilling out on my mom's laptop, and I decided to look at her pictures that were on it. I found a LOT of old photos. Of me.
Man, as a sophomore, I guess I really had nothing better to do than sit in my room and take pictures of myself. Then again, I really didn't have anything better to do. I didn't really have friends at that point in my life.
But that is besides the point. The point, I'm looking at these pictures (that yes, most I took of myself) and I realized something.
I'm beautiful.
Or was. I'm not so sure. But anyways, I really was a pretty girl, if I do say so myself.
It was interesting to me though. Because back then, I really honestly thought I was ugly. Like, there was nothing "pretty" about me.
But that's also because the "friends" I had tore me apart.
"You're short."
"You're hair is to short."
"You're ugly."
Yes it's true. I've been told all that, and more. And I believed it. Worse. I started noticing every little tiny detail about me, but instead of loving myself for it, I hated myself. For years.
4 years later, though, I look at these photos, and I realize I wasn't ugly. And I'm not trying to sound vain, but I'm realizing that I'm really not.
Isn't that interesting?
It makes me think.
In the moment, you don't think you're attractive. Or good enough for anything. But after a few years, you grow and develop. You take some, you lose some. You're a different person. And you can look back and realize how you really were all those years ago. And you realize you really are beautiful. And you can really say that, because you see how much you change.
I wonder how I will look at the "now me" when I'm the "future me".
Sometimes, I wish I could see myself through different eyes. See how I am. Judge from a different standpoint. I think it would be way different.
I have friends, who are absolutely beautiful. And I'm not just saying that because it's my obligation. They really truly are. And yet, they don't see it themselves. And it's awful, because I know that if they saw themselves the way I did, they wouldn't think that about themselves. They would see themselves as great amazing girls. Girls that can anything that they want. Reach their full potential.
Maybe this is how God feels.
Yesterday, I was chilling out on my mom's laptop, and I decided to look at her pictures that were on it. I found a LOT of old photos. Of me.
Man, as a sophomore, I guess I really had nothing better to do than sit in my room and take pictures of myself. Then again, I really didn't have anything better to do. I didn't really have friends at that point in my life.
But that is besides the point. The point, I'm looking at these pictures (that yes, most I took of myself) and I realized something.
I'm beautiful.
Or was. I'm not so sure. But anyways, I really was a pretty girl, if I do say so myself.
It was interesting to me though. Because back then, I really honestly thought I was ugly. Like, there was nothing "pretty" about me.
But that's also because the "friends" I had tore me apart.
"You're short."
"You're hair is to short."
"You're ugly."
Yes it's true. I've been told all that, and more. And I believed it. Worse. I started noticing every little tiny detail about me, but instead of loving myself for it, I hated myself. For years.
4 years later, though, I look at these photos, and I realize I wasn't ugly. And I'm not trying to sound vain, but I'm realizing that I'm really not.
Isn't that interesting?
It makes me think.
In the moment, you don't think you're attractive. Or good enough for anything. But after a few years, you grow and develop. You take some, you lose some. You're a different person. And you can look back and realize how you really were all those years ago. And you realize you really are beautiful. And you can really say that, because you see how much you change.
I wonder how I will look at the "now me" when I'm the "future me".
Sometimes, I wish I could see myself through different eyes. See how I am. Judge from a different standpoint. I think it would be way different.
I have friends, who are absolutely beautiful. And I'm not just saying that because it's my obligation. They really truly are. And yet, they don't see it themselves. And it's awful, because I know that if they saw themselves the way I did, they wouldn't think that about themselves. They would see themselves as great amazing girls. Girls that can anything that they want. Reach their full potential.
Maybe this is how God feels.
Monday, April 11, 2011
I am Evidence
My name is Jense.
There's a lot of debate on the existance of God. The existence of a higher power. A lot of people nowadays don't believe in Him.
It's sad really.
I'm not judging those that don't, please don't think that I am. But it's just sad to me.
There's no way there can't be.
How do I know?
I am evidence of His miraculous power.
Tonight for FHE, my family and I got into a discussion about the Lord's timing. It started out with Christ teaching and preaching to the Jews, but just working miracles for the Gentiles. I never really realized that before. So we talked about that, and how Christ was commanded to preach to the Jews specifically, but not the Gentiles. That led to how even in the latter days, some privileges are not given to some right away, like how blacks couldn't recieve the prisesthood until later in history. Some people have a hard time accepting that. But, that's not the point. The point is, that for some reason or other, the Lord saw it fit that blacks couldn't recieve the priesthood until way later.
I didn't understand really, so I asked my dad. He said that he honestly didn't know. "Maybe it would have given people more of a reason to persecute the church. Maybe it would have caused more grievances. I do not know. But all I do know is that God is all knowing, and He knew why they couldn't have the power at the time." That was his response.
Then the FHE lesson really began (that was really a scripture study discussion). Mom had the lesson. Ironically enough, it was kind of about priesthood power.
She started telling the story of how when I was born. How when I was born, I couldn't breathe. How right at the moment the doctors got me out, Dad asked if he could give me a blessing. That part I did know about.
What I didn't realize was that within hours of my birth, my names were in 7 different temples. People all over were praying for me. People that didn't even know who I was. People who would never know who I am. They were praying for me. For my family. Crying to God that they would bless us with the special blessings that I needed. I doubt they even knew how serious the situation was.
I am here, typing this. I walk with both legs. I see with both eyes. I hear with both ears (for the most part). I can talk. I can write. I get good grades in school. I like to sing and dance.
You look me right in the eye and tell me that there is no God.
There's a lot of debate on the existance of God. The existence of a higher power. A lot of people nowadays don't believe in Him.
It's sad really.
I'm not judging those that don't, please don't think that I am. But it's just sad to me.
There's no way there can't be.
How do I know?
I am evidence of His miraculous power.
Tonight for FHE, my family and I got into a discussion about the Lord's timing. It started out with Christ teaching and preaching to the Jews, but just working miracles for the Gentiles. I never really realized that before. So we talked about that, and how Christ was commanded to preach to the Jews specifically, but not the Gentiles. That led to how even in the latter days, some privileges are not given to some right away, like how blacks couldn't recieve the prisesthood until later in history. Some people have a hard time accepting that. But, that's not the point. The point is, that for some reason or other, the Lord saw it fit that blacks couldn't recieve the priesthood until way later.
I didn't understand really, so I asked my dad. He said that he honestly didn't know. "Maybe it would have given people more of a reason to persecute the church. Maybe it would have caused more grievances. I do not know. But all I do know is that God is all knowing, and He knew why they couldn't have the power at the time." That was his response.
Then the FHE lesson really began (that was really a scripture study discussion). Mom had the lesson. Ironically enough, it was kind of about priesthood power.
She started telling the story of how when I was born. How when I was born, I couldn't breathe. How right at the moment the doctors got me out, Dad asked if he could give me a blessing. That part I did know about.
What I didn't realize was that within hours of my birth, my names were in 7 different temples. People all over were praying for me. People that didn't even know who I was. People who would never know who I am. They were praying for me. For my family. Crying to God that they would bless us with the special blessings that I needed. I doubt they even knew how serious the situation was.
I am here, typing this. I walk with both legs. I see with both eyes. I hear with both ears (for the most part). I can talk. I can write. I get good grades in school. I like to sing and dance.
You look me right in the eye and tell me that there is no God.
Being Ordinary
My name is Jense.
I have hope.
I may not be the most beautiful girl in the world.
I may not have the most beautiful voice.
I may be the one in a bazillion people who can sight read anyway.
I may also be on in a bazillion people who write songs and medleys.
I may be totally and completely awkward.
I may be very shy.
I may get angry very easily over stupid things.
I may be the worse advice giver on the planet.
I may not be the smartest person.
I may not be the most athletic person.
I may be perfectly ordinary.
But, I have something to share. And one day, people will know it.
I have beautiful skin.
I have an all right voice.
I can sight read.
I can write songs and medleys.
I've got an awesome personality. One that can get along with pretty much anyone.
I'm getting better at controlling my anger.
I may not know what to say, but I'm always there.
I have the ability to learn.
I run.
Sure, to the world I'm just someone.
But one day, I'm gonna be the world to someone.
Yes. Even ordinary me.
I have hope.
I may not be the most beautiful girl in the world.
I may not have the most beautiful voice.
I may be the one in a bazillion people who can sight read anyway.
I may also be on in a bazillion people who write songs and medleys.
I may be totally and completely awkward.
I may be very shy.
I may get angry very easily over stupid things.
I may be the worse advice giver on the planet.
I may not be the smartest person.
I may not be the most athletic person.
I may be perfectly ordinary.
But, I have something to share. And one day, people will know it.
I have beautiful skin.
I have an all right voice.
I can sight read.
I can write songs and medleys.
I've got an awesome personality. One that can get along with pretty much anyone.
I'm getting better at controlling my anger.
I may not know what to say, but I'm always there.
I have the ability to learn.
I run.
Sure, to the world I'm just someone.
But one day, I'm gonna be the world to someone.
Yes. Even ordinary me.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Princes
My name is Jense.
Im realizing everyday that it is possible to fall in love with the wrong person. I should know. I am becoming an expert at that.
Depressing, isn't it? All our lives, starting from when we are young, we watch Disney, or Barbie, or whatever other fantasies there are, and they are all the same: damsel in distress, evil witches, knight in shining armor comes along, save the princess, and they all live happily ever after. I can't think of any childhood story where the princess falls in love with a different person.
Story books forgot to mention that sometimes, there are other princes.
I'm sitting here thinking about all the guys that I actually had a "thing" with. Whatever you want to call it. My "princes".
My first prince was a knight in clay armor. Really wasn't great. Sorrry to say. He was a horrible kisser too. But, being 15, of course I settled for it. Lamest thing of my life. I'm not gonna call it a mistake, really, cuz I honestly didn't know, and I was innocent. It was just an experience.
But it opened my eyes alot.
Then, there was my second one. He was a knight in bronze armor. Could have had potential. Seemed like it. But bronze just isn't gold. Cept, I didnt see it. I settled for it. That, I will say, was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. There was nothing worth it in the situation. And, oh, how it hurt when he left. Now though, I'm glad of it.
(The interesting thing about bronze, though, is that sometimes, it can appear as gold. I mean, if you didn't actually have gold next to it, it would look pretty authentic. Potential. Maybe that's why I settled for it.)
Last, there was my knight in silver armor. He was good. He is good still. In fact, right now as I type this, he is on a journey; his journey to become a prince in gold armor.
I loved him, that knight in silver armor. I still do, really. I always will.
But, he isn't my prince in gold armor.
And I, a princess, will not settle for anything less.
Hurry, my prince. I am still waiting.
Come find me.
Im realizing everyday that it is possible to fall in love with the wrong person. I should know. I am becoming an expert at that.
Depressing, isn't it? All our lives, starting from when we are young, we watch Disney, or Barbie, or whatever other fantasies there are, and they are all the same: damsel in distress, evil witches, knight in shining armor comes along, save the princess, and they all live happily ever after. I can't think of any childhood story where the princess falls in love with a different person.
Story books forgot to mention that sometimes, there are other princes.
I'm sitting here thinking about all the guys that I actually had a "thing" with. Whatever you want to call it. My "princes".
My first prince was a knight in clay armor. Really wasn't great. Sorrry to say. He was a horrible kisser too. But, being 15, of course I settled for it. Lamest thing of my life. I'm not gonna call it a mistake, really, cuz I honestly didn't know, and I was innocent. It was just an experience.
But it opened my eyes alot.
Then, there was my second one. He was a knight in bronze armor. Could have had potential. Seemed like it. But bronze just isn't gold. Cept, I didnt see it. I settled for it. That, I will say, was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. There was nothing worth it in the situation. And, oh, how it hurt when he left. Now though, I'm glad of it.
(The interesting thing about bronze, though, is that sometimes, it can appear as gold. I mean, if you didn't actually have gold next to it, it would look pretty authentic. Potential. Maybe that's why I settled for it.)
Last, there was my knight in silver armor. He was good. He is good still. In fact, right now as I type this, he is on a journey; his journey to become a prince in gold armor.
I loved him, that knight in silver armor. I still do, really. I always will.
But, he isn't my prince in gold armor.
And I, a princess, will not settle for anything less.
Hurry, my prince. I am still waiting.
Come find me.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Random Thoughts as I lay in bed
My name is Jense.
Sometimes, I have these random thoughts as I lay in bed.
1. The mind is an amazing thing. Particularly when it comes to memory. You could think you did something when you really didn't, or vice versa, and the mind will honestly make you believe it. Cool huh?
2. Why is it that people will believe the Holy Bible, but not the Book of Mormon? Think about it. Someone had to have said, "The bible is true!" and everyone believed him, but when Joseph Smith says "The Book of Mormon is true!" people don't believe him. What made the first guy any different?
3. Why do they call it "sleeping together"? Clearly, you're not sleeping.
4. Life would be better if I were a character in a book. At least I'd know how my story ends.
5. Fictional men are better than real men.
6. Facebook is an excuse to show off. Seriously. It's all about who's dating who, who has the best statuses, or who has the best pictures. Not much else.
7. Boys who honk at girls as they are walking. Why don't you pull over and ask if she needs a ride, instead of being a jack?
8. It's sad how much we try and change ourselves to be socially accepted. Cuz what's socially acceptable changes all the time. So what's the point in trying to keep up with all of it?
9. Being sad and mad is more exhausting than being happy.
10. Tell a girl she's pretty, she'll believe it for 2 minutes. Tell a girl she's ugly, she'll believe it her whole life.
11. What is it about a kiss that is so nice? Cuz honestly, when you think about it, it's gross. Did you know you exchange 256 different types of bacteria when you kiss? And yet, it's the nicest thing in the world. I wonder who came up with the idea of putting 2 lips together and making it a symbol of love. Kinda random, don't you think?
12. When the 2nd coming happens, it's gonna be like the ultimate choir concert for the angels of heaven.
13. Love is not only about seeing someone as they are. Its about see them for their potential.
14. Girls are dramatic. It's true. And, probably about 60% of the time, they cause their own boy drama. Think about it. If girls thought like guys, we'd be so much more chill. And we wouldnt really care about a lot of things, I think.
Not saying that boys don't cause drama either, though. Cuz they most certainly do.
15. Note to self: Arrogance is unattractive.
16. Do you think God has a birthday?
17. Why is it we always have to look at the person that is driving next to us when we are stopped at a stoplight?
18. If someone, particularly a friend, is a total jack to you, or puts you down, or points out negative things about you, or says mean things to you, it just means they wish they were you.
Sometimes, I have these random thoughts as I lay in bed.
1. The mind is an amazing thing. Particularly when it comes to memory. You could think you did something when you really didn't, or vice versa, and the mind will honestly make you believe it. Cool huh?
2. Why is it that people will believe the Holy Bible, but not the Book of Mormon? Think about it. Someone had to have said, "The bible is true!" and everyone believed him, but when Joseph Smith says "The Book of Mormon is true!" people don't believe him. What made the first guy any different?
3. Why do they call it "sleeping together"? Clearly, you're not sleeping.
4. Life would be better if I were a character in a book. At least I'd know how my story ends.
5. Fictional men are better than real men.
6. Facebook is an excuse to show off. Seriously. It's all about who's dating who, who has the best statuses, or who has the best pictures. Not much else.
7. Boys who honk at girls as they are walking. Why don't you pull over and ask if she needs a ride, instead of being a jack?
8. It's sad how much we try and change ourselves to be socially accepted. Cuz what's socially acceptable changes all the time. So what's the point in trying to keep up with all of it?
9. Being sad and mad is more exhausting than being happy.
10. Tell a girl she's pretty, she'll believe it for 2 minutes. Tell a girl she's ugly, she'll believe it her whole life.
11. What is it about a kiss that is so nice? Cuz honestly, when you think about it, it's gross. Did you know you exchange 256 different types of bacteria when you kiss? And yet, it's the nicest thing in the world. I wonder who came up with the idea of putting 2 lips together and making it a symbol of love. Kinda random, don't you think?
12. When the 2nd coming happens, it's gonna be like the ultimate choir concert for the angels of heaven.
13. Love is not only about seeing someone as they are. Its about see them for their potential.
14. Girls are dramatic. It's true. And, probably about 60% of the time, they cause their own boy drama. Think about it. If girls thought like guys, we'd be so much more chill. And we wouldnt really care about a lot of things, I think.
Not saying that boys don't cause drama either, though. Cuz they most certainly do.
15. Note to self: Arrogance is unattractive.
16. Do you think God has a birthday?
17. Why is it we always have to look at the person that is driving next to us when we are stopped at a stoplight?
18. If someone, particularly a friend, is a total jack to you, or puts you down, or points out negative things about you, or says mean things to you, it just means they wish they were you.
Think of you
My name is Jense.
Sometimes, I'll walk by the basketball court on my way to class. I see people playing. It makes me think about how you and I used to play in the school basketball courts at night.
Sometimes, someone will say something really random and funny. It makes me think about how you always knew what to say to get me to laugh.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie with Zefron in it. He always reminded me of you. Most people wont agree. True, you may not look completely alike. But you guys have the same facial looks. Most people wouldn't think so. But that's cuz they didnt know you like I did.
Everyday, I see people hold hands. It makes me think about the first time you sneakily took my hand. And the time in the woods. And the night we went sledding, and we walked back. You took my hand in yours. You held me in your arms.
Basically, everything I see makes me think of you.
And I know you're not really allowed... But I hope you think of me too.
Sometimes, I'll walk by the basketball court on my way to class. I see people playing. It makes me think about how you and I used to play in the school basketball courts at night.
Sometimes, someone will say something really random and funny. It makes me think about how you always knew what to say to get me to laugh.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie with Zefron in it. He always reminded me of you. Most people wont agree. True, you may not look completely alike. But you guys have the same facial looks. Most people wouldn't think so. But that's cuz they didnt know you like I did.
Everyday, I see people hold hands. It makes me think about the first time you sneakily took my hand. And the time in the woods. And the night we went sledding, and we walked back. You took my hand in yours. You held me in your arms.
Basically, everything I see makes me think of you.
And I know you're not really allowed... But I hope you think of me too.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
A New Beginning
My name is Jense.
Today is just one of those days where I miss you a lot.
Most days I'm fine. I've gotten to the point where I can say your name without feeling a sting in my heart. Or I can hear people mention you and I just laugh at the stories. Heck, I can even tell a story about you and I'm fine. I don't burst into tears, or have to go to my room to compose myself. Most days, I'm just fine.
But then, there are days like today. Days where I just miss you a lot.
I read your last letter today. The one I haven't gotten the strength (or, to be frank, the desire) to respond to. You seemed really sincere and sorry. There were so many things that you never told me. So many secrets hidden.
We really could have had a chance, couldn't we? We really could have been together, couldn't we? We really could have worked things through, couldn't we?
But do you want to know the weirdest part?
I kinda feel like this isn't the end.
Maybe it's just a dream, a hope. Maybe it's just an imagination. But sometimes, I feel like this isn't the end.
Does that mean we are going to be together forever? Chances are, no.
Are we going to get married or anything? Most likely, not.
Will you even care for me when you come back? Probably not.
But I feel like this isn't the end.
Maybe it's just a new beginning.
Today is just one of those days where I miss you a lot.
Most days I'm fine. I've gotten to the point where I can say your name without feeling a sting in my heart. Or I can hear people mention you and I just laugh at the stories. Heck, I can even tell a story about you and I'm fine. I don't burst into tears, or have to go to my room to compose myself. Most days, I'm just fine.
But then, there are days like today. Days where I just miss you a lot.
I read your last letter today. The one I haven't gotten the strength (or, to be frank, the desire) to respond to. You seemed really sincere and sorry. There were so many things that you never told me. So many secrets hidden.
We really could have had a chance, couldn't we? We really could have been together, couldn't we? We really could have worked things through, couldn't we?
But do you want to know the weirdest part?
I kinda feel like this isn't the end.
Maybe it's just a dream, a hope. Maybe it's just an imagination. But sometimes, I feel like this isn't the end.
Does that mean we are going to be together forever? Chances are, no.
Are we going to get married or anything? Most likely, not.
Will you even care for me when you come back? Probably not.
But I feel like this isn't the end.
Maybe it's just a new beginning.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Switch it Around
My name is Jense.
Here's the truth.
I'm afraid of what I want.
I know, right? It's weird. Kinda like, a juxtaposition? Oxymoron? Truth.
I know exactly what I want. I'd never admit it really. But I know exactly what I want.
And what I want is happiness. Guaranteed happiness. Joy beyond measure. I want to live in my own little home. Have my own kids. Maybe a dog one day. A husband who loves me. Marriage.
Love. Pure true love.
Am I old fashion? They would say so. They would say I'm weak. They would say I'm pathetic. They would say I should be better than that. They would say to put it off a few years.
Maybe that's why I'm afraid of what I want.
Because they switched the truth around alot. The truth about happiness.
They would say that happiness consists of a few things:
Being single
Being wealthy
Not having kids
Fame
Being the best at everything
Being skinny
Having the latest hairstyle
Wearing the latest fashions
Something like that.
Well. I've tried a lot of that.
And it doesn't really make me happy.
Maybe I switch it around a little.
Here's the truth.
I'm afraid of what I want.
I know, right? It's weird. Kinda like, a juxtaposition? Oxymoron? Truth.
I know exactly what I want. I'd never admit it really. But I know exactly what I want.
And what I want is happiness. Guaranteed happiness. Joy beyond measure. I want to live in my own little home. Have my own kids. Maybe a dog one day. A husband who loves me. Marriage.
Love. Pure true love.
Am I old fashion? They would say so. They would say I'm weak. They would say I'm pathetic. They would say I should be better than that. They would say to put it off a few years.
Maybe that's why I'm afraid of what I want.
Because they switched the truth around alot. The truth about happiness.
They would say that happiness consists of a few things:
Being single
Being wealthy
Not having kids
Fame
Being the best at everything
Being skinny
Having the latest hairstyle
Wearing the latest fashions
Something like that.
Well. I've tried a lot of that.
And it doesn't really make me happy.
Maybe I switch it around a little.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
A New View
My name is Jense.
I had a realization last night, but I was too tired to get up and write it down. (School is killing me, I've never been this tired.) So, here we go.
Sometimes, your talents aren't meant for the world. They are meant for you.
Weird huh? It kinda blew me away.
Confused? Let me explain.
I like to play the piano. Scratch that. I love it. I like to play famous peices. I like to play popular songs. But, most of all, I like to compose my own originals. Not gonna lie, I don't think I'm that bad. I mean, for what I feel and what I go through, I think that I can get the whole feeling into 1 or 2 or 3 verses, a bridge, and a chorus pretty well. That's not easy, and most of the time, it takes me a while before the right words come.
But anyways, yes, I like to compose. But, I've always wished that everyone knew about the things I wrote. Heard the things I play.
There were a few girls that I knew that played and sang as well, and they made CDs. I always wanted to make one. I wanted to make one just to have.
That is a lie. I wanted it for others to have. I wanted them to know my words. Know my tunes. Hum them to themselves. Sing them while they cleaned the kitchen, or vacuumed the family room.
I wanted to be known. That was my goal for years. One day. One day, I would be famous.
...
Let's face it.
I never will be.
But, you know what? I've finally realized that that's ok.
Because, maybe God didn't give me this talent for that. Maybe He didn't give me the talent of being able to sight read so that I could become famous on America's Got Talent. Maybe He didn't give me the words I write so that I could make a CD. Maybe He didn't give me the ability to write songs so that I could become famous and be on the radio for everyone to hear my tunes and whistle them as the drove downtown.
Maybe, He just gave it for me.
This is for me.
I had a realization last night, but I was too tired to get up and write it down. (School is killing me, I've never been this tired.) So, here we go.
Sometimes, your talents aren't meant for the world. They are meant for you.
Weird huh? It kinda blew me away.
Confused? Let me explain.
I like to play the piano. Scratch that. I love it. I like to play famous peices. I like to play popular songs. But, most of all, I like to compose my own originals. Not gonna lie, I don't think I'm that bad. I mean, for what I feel and what I go through, I think that I can get the whole feeling into 1 or 2 or 3 verses, a bridge, and a chorus pretty well. That's not easy, and most of the time, it takes me a while before the right words come.
But anyways, yes, I like to compose. But, I've always wished that everyone knew about the things I wrote. Heard the things I play.
There were a few girls that I knew that played and sang as well, and they made CDs. I always wanted to make one. I wanted to make one just to have.
That is a lie. I wanted it for others to have. I wanted them to know my words. Know my tunes. Hum them to themselves. Sing them while they cleaned the kitchen, or vacuumed the family room.
I wanted to be known. That was my goal for years. One day. One day, I would be famous.
...
Let's face it.
I never will be.
But, you know what? I've finally realized that that's ok.
Because, maybe God didn't give me this talent for that. Maybe He didn't give me the talent of being able to sight read so that I could become famous on America's Got Talent. Maybe He didn't give me the words I write so that I could make a CD. Maybe He didn't give me the ability to write songs so that I could become famous and be on the radio for everyone to hear my tunes and whistle them as the drove downtown.
Maybe, He just gave it for me.
This is for me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Playing
My name is Jense.
I just got out of the piano room. I locked myself in there for a good hour. Just playing.
I missed hip hop. I didn't respond to texts.
I just played. And played. And played.
I remember being little, and telling my parents they should let me quit. "I'll never use it when I'm older. What good will it do?"
"You'll thank us later." That's always what they said.
"That will be the day..." I never finished. I never believed them.
I just got out the piano room. Just playing. Playing. Musicals. Pop. Hymns. Originals.
Thanks Mom and Dad. For not letting me quit. For forcing me to stick with it. For making me practice all those hours. You not only made it possible for me to play songs.
You made it possible for me to heal.
I just got out of the piano room. I locked myself in there for a good hour. Just playing.
I missed hip hop. I didn't respond to texts.
I just played. And played. And played.
I remember being little, and telling my parents they should let me quit. "I'll never use it when I'm older. What good will it do?"
"You'll thank us later." That's always what they said.
"That will be the day..." I never finished. I never believed them.
I just got out the piano room. Just playing. Playing. Musicals. Pop. Hymns. Originals.
Thanks Mom and Dad. For not letting me quit. For forcing me to stick with it. For making me practice all those hours. You not only made it possible for me to play songs.
You made it possible for me to heal.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Revise my Plan
My name is Jense.
I may have to revise my plan a lil bit. Just a lil.
Or a lot. Gosh. This changes everything. I never thought this would happen.
But with each passing day, I become more and more sure of it. Which scares me a little.
Actually, it scares me a lot. A lot a lot. Oh man.
I guess I should have seen it coming. I've had so many hints. For like, a year now. But I still don't want to accept it. It's impossible. Very much impossible. Other girls do this. Other girls get this feeling. I'm not suppose to! I'm not suppose to get this feeling! I'm not suppose to do this!
...
Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
Ok. All right. It's gonna be ok.
I've got a while.
I can make a new plan.
I may have to revise my plan a lil bit. Just a lil.
Or a lot. Gosh. This changes everything. I never thought this would happen.
But with each passing day, I become more and more sure of it. Which scares me a little.
Actually, it scares me a lot. A lot a lot. Oh man.
I guess I should have seen it coming. I've had so many hints. For like, a year now. But I still don't want to accept it. It's impossible. Very much impossible. Other girls do this. Other girls get this feeling. I'm not suppose to! I'm not suppose to get this feeling! I'm not suppose to do this!
...
Breathe. In. Out. In. Out.
Ok. All right. It's gonna be ok.
I've got a while.
I can make a new plan.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thoughts through Time
My name is Jense.
I'm confused. A little bit.
I've thought about this when I was younger. Like, 15 or 16. I thought I really wanted it. I wanted to do it. I was set on it.
Then, 17 or 18, I thought "There's no way. No way. No how. Can't. Won't. Think again, Pal!"
Now, 19, I'm thinking again. "Seriously? Someone like me? I can't do this! I mean, I'm just... me! Just me! You know me! Better than I know me! And I know I can't do it!"
...
....
.....
No. Can't.
...
....
.....
Maybe?
...
....
.....
But, You know me.
...
....
.....
Is this what I'm suppose to do?
...
....
.....
Look, will You just tell me and stop messing with my head and dreams???
...
....
.....
Just tell me what to do.
And I'll do it.
I'm confused. A little bit.
I've thought about this when I was younger. Like, 15 or 16. I thought I really wanted it. I wanted to do it. I was set on it.
Then, 17 or 18, I thought "There's no way. No way. No how. Can't. Won't. Think again, Pal!"
Now, 19, I'm thinking again. "Seriously? Someone like me? I can't do this! I mean, I'm just... me! Just me! You know me! Better than I know me! And I know I can't do it!"
...
....
.....
No. Can't.
...
....
.....
Maybe?
...
....
.....
But, You know me.
...
....
.....
Is this what I'm suppose to do?
...
....
.....
Look, will You just tell me and stop messing with my head and dreams???
...
....
.....
Just tell me what to do.
And I'll do it.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I'd believe you
My name is Jense.
I realized something today.
If you were to write me, and tell me you loved me, I'd believe you.
If you were to tell me it was all just a mistake, I'd believe you.
If you were to tell me that my eyes were the most beautiful that you've ever seen, I'd believe you.
If you were to tell me there's still a chance, I'd believe you.
I believed everything you ever said. I believe everything you say. I'll believe everything you will say.
And you know that, don't you?
...
Don't you?
I realized something today.
If you were to write me, and tell me you loved me, I'd believe you.
If you were to tell me it was all just a mistake, I'd believe you.
If you were to tell me that my eyes were the most beautiful that you've ever seen, I'd believe you.
If you were to tell me there's still a chance, I'd believe you.
I believed everything you ever said. I believe everything you say. I'll believe everything you will say.
And you know that, don't you?
...
Don't you?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Bottle it up
My name is Jense.
This is a message for you, as well as for me.
Don't force me to talk.
I really dont know how else to say it.
Lately, I've been listening to peoples fears and worries. Mainly about love. The discovery of love. The absence of love. The loss of love.
That's ok with me. This is their time to worry. This is their time to be scared. This is their time to talk.
Not mine.
Bottle it up. Put it away. Be strong. I gotta to be. I need to be. It's not my time. It's theirs.
That is my mentality lately.
Which is why I haven't been communicating recently.
Sure, I talk. Sure, I'll respond to a text or message. But, you don't really know what's going on. There's so much going on in my head. My heart. My being. More than I allow the naked eye to see.
You don't know. You might think you do, but you don't. Not saying I blame you, cuz I don't. Why would I? I'm the one that haven't been talking.
I don't want to talk. I want to think. Ponder. Bottle it up.
Let me be.
I promise. I will come to you when I'm ready.
This is a message for you, as well as for me.
Don't force me to talk.
I really dont know how else to say it.
Lately, I've been listening to peoples fears and worries. Mainly about love. The discovery of love. The absence of love. The loss of love.
That's ok with me. This is their time to worry. This is their time to be scared. This is their time to talk.
Not mine.
Bottle it up. Put it away. Be strong. I gotta to be. I need to be. It's not my time. It's theirs.
That is my mentality lately.
Which is why I haven't been communicating recently.
Sure, I talk. Sure, I'll respond to a text or message. But, you don't really know what's going on. There's so much going on in my head. My heart. My being. More than I allow the naked eye to see.
You don't know. You might think you do, but you don't. Not saying I blame you, cuz I don't. Why would I? I'm the one that haven't been talking.
I don't want to talk. I want to think. Ponder. Bottle it up.
Let me be.
I promise. I will come to you when I'm ready.
Monday, March 14, 2011
The goal of Life
My name is Jense.
I once heard an amazing quote by an amazing man.
"Life isn't about seeking out who you are. It's about seeking out who you want to become."
Daddy is right.
Who do I want to become?
I once heard an amazing quote by an amazing man.
"Life isn't about seeking out who you are. It's about seeking out who you want to become."
Daddy is right.
Who do I want to become?
Just Existing
My name is Jense.
Just now, one of my roommates came in and asked me what was wrong with me.
I honestly didn't know. I didn't realize I seemed so mad.
What's going on with me?
I don't get it.
I can't take it.
I don't like it.
What's going on?
I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm not feeling hopeless or anything.
Am I even here?
Where am I?
Who am I?
I'm just existing.
Just now, one of my roommates came in and asked me what was wrong with me.
I honestly didn't know. I didn't realize I seemed so mad.
What's going on with me?
I don't get it.
I can't take it.
I don't like it.
What's going on?
I'm not happy. I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm not feeling hopeless or anything.
Am I even here?
Where am I?
Who am I?
I'm just existing.
The Truth
My name is Jense.
Wanna know the truth?
I'm always gonna think about you.
I'm always gonna remember those times when you held my hand and my heart did backflips.
I'm always gonna remember how warm you felt when you held me in your arms.
I'll always feel your hand on my face.
I'll always see those eyes that looked at me after a kiss.
I'll always remember your smile.
I'll always remember those curls.
I'll always smile when I think of the good times.
I'll always cry when I think about the bad times.
I'll always blush when I think about the embarrassing times.
I'll always laugh when I think about the funny times.
I still think about that time when we walked in the woods,
And the time when we went to the park, and played on the jungle gym.
And that time when my window wipers stopped working in the middle of the rainstorm, and how you made me sit in the passenger seat while you drove so that we wouldn't die.
That time when we danced in the rain.
That time we held each other close when we set off fireworks.
I'll never let you forget that time when you said I had "bug eyes."
The first time you held my hand.
I'll always smile a little when I think about the times when we would out run a cop.
I'll always be eternally grateful for the times that you would come see me in a play, just to be there for me, even when you had a lot of other things to do.
The times you comforted me when no one else could.
The times whenever you told me I was beautiful.
I still lose my breath when I think of the times you would play with my hair.
I still feel anger when I think about those stupid fights we had, which 95% of the times, I was right.
I'll still feel happiness when I think about the nice little things you did so that I would feel better about myself.
But you wanna know the real truth?
I'm always gonna love you.
Wanna know the truth?
I'm always gonna think about you.
I'm always gonna remember those times when you held my hand and my heart did backflips.
I'm always gonna remember how warm you felt when you held me in your arms.
I'll always feel your hand on my face.
I'll always see those eyes that looked at me after a kiss.
I'll always remember your smile.
I'll always remember those curls.
I'll always smile when I think of the good times.
I'll always cry when I think about the bad times.
I'll always blush when I think about the embarrassing times.
I'll always laugh when I think about the funny times.
I still think about that time when we walked in the woods,
And the time when we went to the park, and played on the jungle gym.
And that time when my window wipers stopped working in the middle of the rainstorm, and how you made me sit in the passenger seat while you drove so that we wouldn't die.
That time when we danced in the rain.
That time we held each other close when we set off fireworks.
I'll never let you forget that time when you said I had "bug eyes."
The first time you held my hand.
I'll always smile a little when I think about the times when we would out run a cop.
I'll always be eternally grateful for the times that you would come see me in a play, just to be there for me, even when you had a lot of other things to do.
The times you comforted me when no one else could.
The times whenever you told me I was beautiful.
I still lose my breath when I think of the times you would play with my hair.
I still feel anger when I think about those stupid fights we had, which 95% of the times, I was right.
I'll still feel happiness when I think about the nice little things you did so that I would feel better about myself.
But you wanna know the real truth?
I'm always gonna love you.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I am Worth It
My name is Jense.
Last night, for the first time in I don't know how long, I watched The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.
That's an extremely great show. With lots and lots of symbolism.
Anyways, so I was watching this movie. And it made me think a lot.
But there's one thought in particular that I thought I'd share.
You know that part when Aslan and the Witch were discussing how they were going to compromise the Law of the Land, because Edmund betrayed everyone? And how Edmund really should be owned by the Witch? That's like us.
I know C.S. Lewis wrote this because he was symbolically talking about Christ, but I'm looking at this through a Mormon's view.
Anyways, the movie got to the point when Aslan was walking to his death. Willingly. For Edmund.
I watched how all the Witch's followers spat on him, and mocked him as he walked through to the top of the hill. How they called him "The Great King." How the Witch began telling him that he was doing this for no real good reason. How it would all fail.
I thought of how Christ walked up to Calvary Hill, knowing what was in store for Him, knowing what He was doing. How everyone mocked Him, and spat on Him. I started thinking about Him in the Garden of Gethsemane, crying.
I thought how He did it for me. For me personally. Just like Aslan did it for Edmund, personally. Because He loved him, and He knew what his potential could be. Just like how Christ knows my potential.
Then I thought, "He did it because He loves me. He did it because I'm worth it to Him."
If I'm worth it to the Greatest Being of All, the Lord of Lords, The Redeemer and Savior, shouldn't I find myself of worth it?
I began to cry.
Last night, for the first time in I don't know how long, I watched The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.
That's an extremely great show. With lots and lots of symbolism.
Anyways, so I was watching this movie. And it made me think a lot.
But there's one thought in particular that I thought I'd share.
You know that part when Aslan and the Witch were discussing how they were going to compromise the Law of the Land, because Edmund betrayed everyone? And how Edmund really should be owned by the Witch? That's like us.
I know C.S. Lewis wrote this because he was symbolically talking about Christ, but I'm looking at this through a Mormon's view.
Anyways, the movie got to the point when Aslan was walking to his death. Willingly. For Edmund.
I watched how all the Witch's followers spat on him, and mocked him as he walked through to the top of the hill. How they called him "The Great King." How the Witch began telling him that he was doing this for no real good reason. How it would all fail.
I thought of how Christ walked up to Calvary Hill, knowing what was in store for Him, knowing what He was doing. How everyone mocked Him, and spat on Him. I started thinking about Him in the Garden of Gethsemane, crying.
I thought how He did it for me. For me personally. Just like Aslan did it for Edmund, personally. Because He loved him, and He knew what his potential could be. Just like how Christ knows my potential.
Then I thought, "He did it because He loves me. He did it because I'm worth it to Him."
If I'm worth it to the Greatest Being of All, the Lord of Lords, The Redeemer and Savior, shouldn't I find myself of worth it?
I began to cry.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Scars
My name is Jense.
I came up with a thought tonight.
Scars can heal, but they are never gone.
Interesting things, scars are. Each one has a story. Like the one on my wrist, when I was 4, and I burned myself with the curling iron. Or the one on my thigh, when I fell off my scooter going down a hill and slid down the road head first. The scar doesn't hurt, but it's still there. People see them.
But not all scars are seen.
Some are hidden, deep inside the deepest parts of our hearts.
Scars can heal, but they are never gone. Not even after a year. 2 years. 10. 100. Now.
I see you, and it still hurts. I see you, and the wound is fresh. It deepens.
This scar is still healing.
This scar will always be healing.
I came up with a thought tonight.
Scars can heal, but they are never gone.
Interesting things, scars are. Each one has a story. Like the one on my wrist, when I was 4, and I burned myself with the curling iron. Or the one on my thigh, when I fell off my scooter going down a hill and slid down the road head first. The scar doesn't hurt, but it's still there. People see them.
But not all scars are seen.
Some are hidden, deep inside the deepest parts of our hearts.
Scars can heal, but they are never gone. Not even after a year. 2 years. 10. 100. Now.
I see you, and it still hurts. I see you, and the wound is fresh. It deepens.
This scar is still healing.
This scar will always be healing.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
A Secret Worth Knowing
My name is Jense.
I have a secret.
Our secret.
Sounds romantic, huh? Well. It's not.
Wanna hear? It's a secret worth knowing.
I could start from 8th grade, how he told me that I had the biggest eyes that he'd ever seen, and how I was so offended, and wore sunglasses all day, and he felt so bad, and then we became best friends that week. How he told me he liked me, even if it was just for that week.
Then I could go on from 9th grade, how I secretly still really cared for him, but my best friend liked him, so I backed off.
Or I could start from 10th grade, where he and I had our fall out time, and how he accused me of having a boyfriend. How we didn't talk half the year, but he still gave me a very nice gift and card for my birthday, after a tough break up. How we became close again.
Then again, I could start from the summer before Junior year, when he and I began to hang out quite a bit, and how that old spark that never really died out started to rekindle. How he asked me to homecoming, and held my hand. All those texts. All the nights we would just sit and talk. That cold day in February when he told me he really liked me, and had never stopped since 8th grade. He told me not to tell. How we texted constantly from that day on. The dates. Those fun, fun dates. May 15, 2009, when we had our first kiss. He told me he loved me. I told him to be careful what he said. That love was a very strong word. How we kissed more, that night at the park. Having that summer romance, that he didn't want me telling anyone about. June 15, 2009, when he kidnapped me in the rain to take me to lunch. The day we walked in the woods, and said he thought I was beautiful. How towards the end of summer, he started dating other girls, trying to make me feel jealous, because he knew he could.
Let's not forget Senior year. When I was left so confused. He told me he liked me, then ignored me for other girls. "He likes me. He says I'm special." That was the excuse. The hope. All 1st trimester that's how it was. Flirt with girls in front of me, knowing I would keep quiet. Knowing I was too afraid to speak up. New Year's Eve night, when he told me we would hang out all night, but then he ditched all of us to go to another girls house. How he slowed danced with her at the last dance when he came back. How I cried that night. I knew then I couldn't do this anymore. Stopped talking to him. Rebounded. Then, right around graduation, becoming friends again. Talking. The spark that still hasn't died rekindled again.
Summer dates.
Those texts.
"You are so extrodinarily beautiful and amazing."
"My favorite night of us was homecoming. You looked so stunningly beautiful that night. I loved dancing with you."
"Night Love."
"Night Jense."
I kept them for so long.
September 28th 2010 when he kissed me at the pillars. Told me he cared. Told me he always did and always will.
That November night, when we tried to ice skate, and he kissed me by surprise.
The last couple weeks before he was gone, playing basketball. Telling secrets. Holding hands.
The night we went sledding. He kissed me again. Held my hand.
January 1, 2011. Our last date. Before we both were to depart from the lives we have both grown up in. He kissed me. So many times. Told me he cared. Told me not to be scared. Told me I was amazing.
"I want you to know that I really cared for you and I always did."
He did all of that.
Lies.
All lies.
To you that feel like you were special to him, and thought you were "The One", I say this.
Guess what?
You ain't.
You were played. Just like me.
I don't doubt you weren't allowed to say anything either, huh?
Well. After 2 years of staying quiet, I'm opening my mouth.
And I feel a whole hell of a lot better.
I have a secret.
Our secret.
Sounds romantic, huh? Well. It's not.
Wanna hear? It's a secret worth knowing.
I could start from 8th grade, how he told me that I had the biggest eyes that he'd ever seen, and how I was so offended, and wore sunglasses all day, and he felt so bad, and then we became best friends that week. How he told me he liked me, even if it was just for that week.
Then I could go on from 9th grade, how I secretly still really cared for him, but my best friend liked him, so I backed off.
Or I could start from 10th grade, where he and I had our fall out time, and how he accused me of having a boyfriend. How we didn't talk half the year, but he still gave me a very nice gift and card for my birthday, after a tough break up. How we became close again.
Then again, I could start from the summer before Junior year, when he and I began to hang out quite a bit, and how that old spark that never really died out started to rekindle. How he asked me to homecoming, and held my hand. All those texts. All the nights we would just sit and talk. That cold day in February when he told me he really liked me, and had never stopped since 8th grade. He told me not to tell. How we texted constantly from that day on. The dates. Those fun, fun dates. May 15, 2009, when we had our first kiss. He told me he loved me. I told him to be careful what he said. That love was a very strong word. How we kissed more, that night at the park. Having that summer romance, that he didn't want me telling anyone about. June 15, 2009, when he kidnapped me in the rain to take me to lunch. The day we walked in the woods, and said he thought I was beautiful. How towards the end of summer, he started dating other girls, trying to make me feel jealous, because he knew he could.
Let's not forget Senior year. When I was left so confused. He told me he liked me, then ignored me for other girls. "He likes me. He says I'm special." That was the excuse. The hope. All 1st trimester that's how it was. Flirt with girls in front of me, knowing I would keep quiet. Knowing I was too afraid to speak up. New Year's Eve night, when he told me we would hang out all night, but then he ditched all of us to go to another girls house. How he slowed danced with her at the last dance when he came back. How I cried that night. I knew then I couldn't do this anymore. Stopped talking to him. Rebounded. Then, right around graduation, becoming friends again. Talking. The spark that still hasn't died rekindled again.
Summer dates.
Those texts.
"You are so extrodinarily beautiful and amazing."
"My favorite night of us was homecoming. You looked so stunningly beautiful that night. I loved dancing with you."
"Night Love."
"Night Jense."
I kept them for so long.
September 28th 2010 when he kissed me at the pillars. Told me he cared. Told me he always did and always will.
That November night, when we tried to ice skate, and he kissed me by surprise.
The last couple weeks before he was gone, playing basketball. Telling secrets. Holding hands.
The night we went sledding. He kissed me again. Held my hand.
January 1, 2011. Our last date. Before we both were to depart from the lives we have both grown up in. He kissed me. So many times. Told me he cared. Told me not to be scared. Told me I was amazing.
"I want you to know that I really cared for you and I always did."
He did all of that.
Lies.
All lies.
To you that feel like you were special to him, and thought you were "The One", I say this.
Guess what?
You ain't.
You were played. Just like me.
I don't doubt you weren't allowed to say anything either, huh?
Well. After 2 years of staying quiet, I'm opening my mouth.
And I feel a whole hell of a lot better.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Rock in my Shoe
My name is Jense.
Today as I was walking, I realized that there was a rock in my shoe. It was driving me crazy as I was walking to class. It was kinda hurting. But, being in a hurry, I didn't stop to take it out and continue my walk up the hill.
I started thinking.
Life is like having a rock in your shoe.
How?
Well, think about it. There are sometimes things that nudge at us and bother us and hurt us. Just like a rock in your shoe.
We call them grudges.
Grudges literally tears us down. I would know. I'm one of the worse grudge holders ever. But sometimes, instead of letting go of the grudge and taking it out of our lives, we just leave it there, cuz we don't want to take the time to stop and take it out. It's easier to be angry. Sometimes, it's more fun. Sometimes, we like having that excuse of being angry. Sometimes, we like to feel sorry for ourselves. It's human nature.
When I got home, I shook the rock out. I put my shoe back on. It felt so nice.
And isn't that how it is with grudges? When we take it out and put charity in its place? You just feel so much nicer. Better. It just feels good.
Shake that rock out of your shoe.
Today as I was walking, I realized that there was a rock in my shoe. It was driving me crazy as I was walking to class. It was kinda hurting. But, being in a hurry, I didn't stop to take it out and continue my walk up the hill.
I started thinking.
Life is like having a rock in your shoe.
How?
Well, think about it. There are sometimes things that nudge at us and bother us and hurt us. Just like a rock in your shoe.
We call them grudges.
Grudges literally tears us down. I would know. I'm one of the worse grudge holders ever. But sometimes, instead of letting go of the grudge and taking it out of our lives, we just leave it there, cuz we don't want to take the time to stop and take it out. It's easier to be angry. Sometimes, it's more fun. Sometimes, we like having that excuse of being angry. Sometimes, we like to feel sorry for ourselves. It's human nature.
When I got home, I shook the rock out. I put my shoe back on. It felt so nice.
And isn't that how it is with grudges? When we take it out and put charity in its place? You just feel so much nicer. Better. It just feels good.
Shake that rock out of your shoe.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Slow Down
My name is Jense.
Last night, I talked to one of my dearest friends.
I haven't talked to him in a long time. A good four months actually. We used to be close. I knew him like the back of my hand.
We aren't that way really anymore. We are both different people. Life have moved on.
Life moves on. Whether you want it to or not. Whether you're ready for it or not. Things happen, good and bad. People come. People go. People cry. People laugh. Time passes by.
Sometimes, I am so busy with life. With school. With grades. With getting everything done on time. With sadness. Sometimes, I forget to look at the simple things of life. The sun. The day. Friends. Family.
Sometimes, its nice to have a slow down.
To just let things go and just live.
It's kind of hard to just live nowadays. We must always prepare for the future. For our future careers. Our future families. Our future goals.
Not saying those are bad, cuz they are most certainly not.
But sometimes, I feel like I forget to just live.
To slow down.
We aren't best friends anymore really, but being able to talk to him about life was nicer than anything. To just let everything go. Let everything be. To be, even if it was just temporarily, best friends again. Inseparable.
It was nice to slow down.
Last night, I talked to one of my dearest friends.
I haven't talked to him in a long time. A good four months actually. We used to be close. I knew him like the back of my hand.
We aren't that way really anymore. We are both different people. Life have moved on.
Life moves on. Whether you want it to or not. Whether you're ready for it or not. Things happen, good and bad. People come. People go. People cry. People laugh. Time passes by.
Sometimes, I am so busy with life. With school. With grades. With getting everything done on time. With sadness. Sometimes, I forget to look at the simple things of life. The sun. The day. Friends. Family.
Sometimes, its nice to have a slow down.
To just let things go and just live.
It's kind of hard to just live nowadays. We must always prepare for the future. For our future careers. Our future families. Our future goals.
Not saying those are bad, cuz they are most certainly not.
But sometimes, I feel like I forget to just live.
To slow down.
We aren't best friends anymore really, but being able to talk to him about life was nicer than anything. To just let everything go. Let everything be. To be, even if it was just temporarily, best friends again. Inseparable.
It was nice to slow down.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Fly on the Wall
My name is Jense.
Right now, I feel like a fly on the wall. If that's the correct phase.
Oh well, I'm using it regardless.
I mean, I'm just chilling out on the wall, watching the world around me. And every so often, the world acknowledges me, but they are too busy with their lives to swat me. Too busy to care. Then, when I, the fly, try to buzz around, to let them know I exist, then they just get annoyed. But they won't kill me.
The world is too busy to regard those around them. Those who are suffering. Those who are drowning, yearning to be seen and heard.
For some, it's love.
For some, it's fame.
For some, it's fortune.
For me, it's acknowledgement.
To be of some use to this world. To outshine everyone in at least one thing. One thing that really makes me special. That makes me stand out in the crowd.
It's hard, though, when the only talent you've got have been snatched by another. One who is better.
I wouldn't mind being a fly right now. At least a fly can fly away.
Right now, I feel like a fly on the wall. If that's the correct phase.
Oh well, I'm using it regardless.
I mean, I'm just chilling out on the wall, watching the world around me. And every so often, the world acknowledges me, but they are too busy with their lives to swat me. Too busy to care. Then, when I, the fly, try to buzz around, to let them know I exist, then they just get annoyed. But they won't kill me.
The world is too busy to regard those around them. Those who are suffering. Those who are drowning, yearning to be seen and heard.
For some, it's love.
For some, it's fame.
For some, it's fortune.
For me, it's acknowledgement.
To be of some use to this world. To outshine everyone in at least one thing. One thing that really makes me special. That makes me stand out in the crowd.
It's hard, though, when the only talent you've got have been snatched by another. One who is better.
I wouldn't mind being a fly right now. At least a fly can fly away.
Days like These
My name is Jense.
I used to be so happy on days like these.
Days when I would hear from you.
On days like these I think about you a lot. Wondering how you are. What you are learning. Where've you been.
Days like these make me think of old times. Star gazing. Holding hands. Laughing about ridiculous things. Playing basketball. Outrunning the cops. Massages. Playing with my hair. Hugs. Kisses.
Days like these made me hope.
Now, they only make me cry.
I used to be so happy on days like these.
Days when I would hear from you.
On days like these I think about you a lot. Wondering how you are. What you are learning. Where've you been.
Days like these make me think of old times. Star gazing. Holding hands. Laughing about ridiculous things. Playing basketball. Outrunning the cops. Massages. Playing with my hair. Hugs. Kisses.
Days like these made me hope.
Now, they only make me cry.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Blob
My name is Jense.
I don't get it.
Sometimes, I think I'm jst a blob. Almost like an intelligence. But different.
I look in the mirror and I see a blob.
I'm pretty sure that in the premortal world, I was one of the last to be created. God was probably tired of creating. But he had one more to make.
Me.
And so, He just threw a bunch of pieces together. Some arms, legs, nose, eyes, mouth...
And Voila!
There I was.
"Done."
That would explain alot.
Everyone else had a lot of time to be put together. All the pieces intricately placed. Everyone was beautiful.
Everyone but me.
Because I am just a blob.
I don't get it.
Sometimes, I think I'm jst a blob. Almost like an intelligence. But different.
I look in the mirror and I see a blob.
I'm pretty sure that in the premortal world, I was one of the last to be created. God was probably tired of creating. But he had one more to make.
Me.
And so, He just threw a bunch of pieces together. Some arms, legs, nose, eyes, mouth...
And Voila!
There I was.
"Done."
That would explain alot.
Everyone else had a lot of time to be put together. All the pieces intricately placed. Everyone was beautiful.
Everyone but me.
Because I am just a blob.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Just like Her
My name is Jense.
If I had blue eyes, just like her,
If I had a face, just like her,
If I had lighter hair, just like her,
If I were skinnier, just like her,
If I were arrogant, just like her,
If I were outgoing, just like her,
If I weren't afraid, just like her,
If I had a smile, just like her,
If I laughed, just like her,
If I were beautiful, just like her,
Maybe, just maybe,
You would love me.
Like you love her.
If I had blue eyes, just like her,
If I had a face, just like her,
If I had lighter hair, just like her,
If I were skinnier, just like her,
If I were arrogant, just like her,
If I were outgoing, just like her,
If I weren't afraid, just like her,
If I had a smile, just like her,
If I laughed, just like her,
If I were beautiful, just like her,
Maybe, just maybe,
You would love me.
Like you love her.
Intriguing
My name is Jense.
These are some questions I'm often asked.
"Are you African?"
"Where are you from?"
"You're Polynesian, right?"
"Hola! Oh, you not speak spanish? Oh, I speak English for you!"
"Are you part Mexican?"
"You Puerto Rican?"
"Jamaican?"
"Oh, you're not African American?"
"What's your ethnicity?"
I like that people can't figure out what I am.
It makes me feel intriguing.
These are some questions I'm often asked.
"Are you African?"
"Where are you from?"
"You're Polynesian, right?"
"Hola! Oh, you not speak spanish? Oh, I speak English for you!"
"Are you part Mexican?"
"You Puerto Rican?"
"Jamaican?"
"Oh, you're not African American?"
"What's your ethnicity?"
I like that people can't figure out what I am.
It makes me feel intriguing.
Eponine
My name is Jense.
I have this favorite hat of mine. I also have a favorite coat.
They remind me of the character Eponine.
Sometimes, I like to wear them together and pretend that I'm her.
I am walking along the streets of Paris during the French Revolutionary War. I am cold. I am poor. I have nothing. I am in love with Marius. But, he loves another.
I sing of love and of heartache. Of being alone.
I am in a completely different world.
It's nice sometimes. To be in a different world. To be someone else. To forget about life for a while. To forget about my struggles and heartaches.
I feel free.
Then, I realize, that I'm no different from her.
And then I become Jensen again.
I have this favorite hat of mine. I also have a favorite coat.
They remind me of the character Eponine.
Sometimes, I like to wear them together and pretend that I'm her.
I am walking along the streets of Paris during the French Revolutionary War. I am cold. I am poor. I have nothing. I am in love with Marius. But, he loves another.
I sing of love and of heartache. Of being alone.
I am in a completely different world.
It's nice sometimes. To be in a different world. To be someone else. To forget about life for a while. To forget about my struggles and heartaches.
I feel free.
Then, I realize, that I'm no different from her.
And then I become Jensen again.
Monday, February 21, 2011
A Tiring Job
My name is Jense.
Tonight, I feel empty.
There is a difference between numb and empty. When you're numb, you don't really feel. You don't really care. When you're empty, you feel... deserted. Left behind. Alone. You know, empty.
I still haven't cried yet. I don't know why. I've been expecting it the last couple days. I mean, this has happened before, and I cried like there was no tomorrow. So why am I not now?
I wish I knew the answer. Maybe I was expecting this from the beginning. Maybe I knew that it was too good to be true. Maybe I knew that he wasn't the one.
But I didn't accept it.
I really need to learn how to do that.
You know how sometimes, when you really really REALLY want something, and you just pray and pray that you can have it? And you promise that if you have that one thing you really really want, you will be good for the rest of your life? That you will never doubt? That you will do everything right from now on? And you just pray and pray that just this once, things can work out the way you want it?
But all the while, when you're praying really really hard, you always get the tiniest hint that it's not gonna happen. And you know it's not going to work. But, you still pray and bargain. And you still make the stupid mistakes that you know you shouldn't make. And you just crawl back, begging for all the hurt to go away.
Being God must be a tiring job.
Tonight, I feel empty.
There is a difference between numb and empty. When you're numb, you don't really feel. You don't really care. When you're empty, you feel... deserted. Left behind. Alone. You know, empty.
I still haven't cried yet. I don't know why. I've been expecting it the last couple days. I mean, this has happened before, and I cried like there was no tomorrow. So why am I not now?
I wish I knew the answer. Maybe I was expecting this from the beginning. Maybe I knew that it was too good to be true. Maybe I knew that he wasn't the one.
But I didn't accept it.
I really need to learn how to do that.
You know how sometimes, when you really really REALLY want something, and you just pray and pray that you can have it? And you promise that if you have that one thing you really really want, you will be good for the rest of your life? That you will never doubt? That you will do everything right from now on? And you just pray and pray that just this once, things can work out the way you want it?
But all the while, when you're praying really really hard, you always get the tiniest hint that it's not gonna happen. And you know it's not going to work. But, you still pray and bargain. And you still make the stupid mistakes that you know you shouldn't make. And you just crawl back, begging for all the hurt to go away.
Being God must be a tiring job.
Disclaimer
My name is Jense.
I have a disclaimer.
So, yes, I've been writing these little thoughts in my head alot, and not even gonna lie, I don't think they are that bad. I'm pretty proud of the few things that I've written.
But, let me just say, this is not what I normally do.
I'm not really a writer.
You should see my friends Mary and Jewel and Hillary. They write amazing stuff. That's their talent.
Those are pseudonyms, in case you didn't know.
I'm really more of a lyricist. If that's the right word. I like to write songs. I create music too. I write things that I feel, based on what is happening to me at the time. I'd like to think that that's my talent.
Right now though, it's been hard to come up with the right words.
That's usually how it happens. Either I start hearing music in my head or words just start coming. But not this time.
So, I'm just waiting around for the words and the music to come. And until then, I'm just writing how I feel in an unfamiliar way.
Hopefully, a song will come.
I have a disclaimer.
So, yes, I've been writing these little thoughts in my head alot, and not even gonna lie, I don't think they are that bad. I'm pretty proud of the few things that I've written.
But, let me just say, this is not what I normally do.
I'm not really a writer.
You should see my friends Mary and Jewel and Hillary. They write amazing stuff. That's their talent.
Those are pseudonyms, in case you didn't know.
I'm really more of a lyricist. If that's the right word. I like to write songs. I create music too. I write things that I feel, based on what is happening to me at the time. I'd like to think that that's my talent.
Right now though, it's been hard to come up with the right words.
That's usually how it happens. Either I start hearing music in my head or words just start coming. But not this time.
So, I'm just waiting around for the words and the music to come. And until then, I'm just writing how I feel in an unfamiliar way.
Hopefully, a song will come.
Choices
My name is Jense.
Or Jens. However you want to spell it. It doesn't really matter. It's all the same to me.
I like it when people call me Jense or Jens. I don't really know why, but I feel closer to the ones that call me that. Like, they don't have to be too formal or something. One person even got close enough to call me my other favorite nickname: JD. Short for J-Dawg.
She's not my friend anymore.
It's been over a year. Closer to two now. Bizarre.
Last night, I was missing her alot. I don't think it has really hit me yet. That is a lie. It has hit me. But I still haven't accepted it.
This was not how it was suppose to happen. We were suppose to be friends forever.
I often wonder what happened. And I always come up with the same conclusion.
The choices separated us.
People hear this all the time, but they never understand it. Choices affect more than just you, it affects everyone. And sometimes, it can affect everyone for a long time. Sometimes, even forever.
I'm still in my forever stage.
Or Jens. However you want to spell it. It doesn't really matter. It's all the same to me.
I like it when people call me Jense or Jens. I don't really know why, but I feel closer to the ones that call me that. Like, they don't have to be too formal or something. One person even got close enough to call me my other favorite nickname: JD. Short for J-Dawg.
She's not my friend anymore.
It's been over a year. Closer to two now. Bizarre.
Last night, I was missing her alot. I don't think it has really hit me yet. That is a lie. It has hit me. But I still haven't accepted it.
This was not how it was suppose to happen. We were suppose to be friends forever.
I often wonder what happened. And I always come up with the same conclusion.
The choices separated us.
People hear this all the time, but they never understand it. Choices affect more than just you, it affects everyone. And sometimes, it can affect everyone for a long time. Sometimes, even forever.
I'm still in my forever stage.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Pessimistic
My name is Jense.
Tonight I feel numb.
Actually, it varies. I'm numb. Then sad. Then numb. Then angry. Then pissed. Then sad. Then confused. That's usually the pattern.
It's only been 24 hours or so.
Crazy how people's emotions can change so rapidly in such a short time.
I think right now I have a right to be though. I try not to be most of the time, but right now, it's ok. It's ok to be pessimistic sometimes.
Except, I'm pessimistic alot. Or, so I've been told.
I don't even think I'm that bad. I mean, ya, I dont think I'm that pretty or talented or amazing, but believe me, I could be a whole lot worse.
I could dye my hair pitch black with purple, red, and green streaks. I could wear skin tight see-through white shirts, with a red bra underneath, just to show off. I could get a million and one piercings all over my body. I could cut. I could cuss. I could put people down. I could walk around the world, openly complaining about how it just sucks, and bring everyone down with me. I could tell the people that I really don't like to go to hell.
See? I don't think I'm that bad.
There's no point in all that, I dont believe. Who's it gonna help? What point will it make? None.
So, you see, that's why I just keep it all inside me.
Except, every once in a while, it slips, and then people accuse me of being so pessimistic.
I wish they didn't point that out about me. It makes me feel more self conscious of myself than I already am.
It makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do.
Tonight I feel numb.
Actually, it varies. I'm numb. Then sad. Then numb. Then angry. Then pissed. Then sad. Then confused. That's usually the pattern.
It's only been 24 hours or so.
Crazy how people's emotions can change so rapidly in such a short time.
I think right now I have a right to be though. I try not to be most of the time, but right now, it's ok. It's ok to be pessimistic sometimes.
Except, I'm pessimistic alot. Or, so I've been told.
I don't even think I'm that bad. I mean, ya, I dont think I'm that pretty or talented or amazing, but believe me, I could be a whole lot worse.
I could dye my hair pitch black with purple, red, and green streaks. I could wear skin tight see-through white shirts, with a red bra underneath, just to show off. I could get a million and one piercings all over my body. I could cut. I could cuss. I could put people down. I could walk around the world, openly complaining about how it just sucks, and bring everyone down with me. I could tell the people that I really don't like to go to hell.
See? I don't think I'm that bad.
There's no point in all that, I dont believe. Who's it gonna help? What point will it make? None.
So, you see, that's why I just keep it all inside me.
Except, every once in a while, it slips, and then people accuse me of being so pessimistic.
I wish they didn't point that out about me. It makes me feel more self conscious of myself than I already am.
It makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do.
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